A buffet of ridiculousness

For readers returning from my early blogging days, you may remember a few posts entitled "Never in a Millions Years." These posts were a sort of list of things I never thought I would say (or hear) in a million years. Below is a Road Trip Sampler Platter of things that I never imagined I would speak, or hear spoken, out loud.

Harper: "Enjoy the feel. Aaannnd, look at the bright side." (The kids take turns each day being Captain of decision-making, and this was what Haper offered up for the Captain's advice-o-the-day.)
Me: "There is no reason for your hand to have that much shine." (This was after I gave Harper a very small piece of candy. So small, that it should not have produced any mysterious hand shine - usually saliva or stickiness.)
London: "Cracker got me!" (When London gets upset, she will ask for either Tom or I by saying 'Mama/Dada got me!' It's her sweet little way of saying she wants one of us to get her. If she falls! 'Mama got me!" Or if Tom is walking away, and she wants to go too, 'Dada got me!'. Recently it has become her way of asking for anything she wants. Hence, 'Cracker got me!')
Me: "Yes, you can say 'good morning' to the serious campers, but you can't spit your toothpaste that loud when they're nearby."
Harper: "Sometimes animals poop on dair floor, but I will only say dat once because it's rude to keep talkin' 'bout dat."
Marlie: "I took a nice, little nap and now I changed my heart so next time we have to leave I will say 'Okay, well we had tons of fun and we can come back again another time.' That way it won't ruin the other fun things we have planned." (This wasn't totally ridiculous, but it was pretty cute.)
Me: "Juice should not come out of your face." (One of my many selling points in my pitch for chewing with your mouth closed.)
Me: "When a car is coming at you, you can't just look at it. You have to actually move back." (Lessons in Basic Survival 101.)
London: "Cake? Cake? Cake! Cake? Cake?" (Asking for a marshmallow? Cake. Asking for maple syrup? Cake. Asking for anything slightly sweet? Cake.)
Me: There shouldn't be any whining while I cook dinner, your tummies should be full of ice cream." (I feel a little shame on this one... But dessert was Captain's Choice. Marlie was Captain and her Choice was ice cream before dinner.)
Harper: "Mama I have a little skin peel. Can you really fix my skin peel?" (I still have no idea what this means."

Now for All Tom, All the Time's Sampler Platter. (That title is something I never thought I'd say in a million years.)

Tom: "I'll even take one on the side of the road, like roadkill." (Tom's desperation has spiked as we are nearing the northernmost tip of Maine and still have not spotted a real, live moose.)
Tom: "That black bird sucks." (When I tried to lift his spirits by pointing out a nice crow instead.)
Tom: "There is no more asking for gumballs, we will surprise you with one when it's time."
Tom (a short while later): "There is no more asking us when we are going to surprise you with gumballs."
Tom (whispered to me quietly): "If someone drops their wrap and tuna gets in this car I'm just going to drive right into a tree."
Tom: "Did you see that crispy wizard crotch?" (Somehow Harper's mispronunciation of 'sesame sticks' morphed into 'crispy wizards.'. So, when London spilled a cup of sesame sticks in her lap, it created a 'crispy wizard crotch' worth checkin' out.)
Tom: "And the worst part? I can't find Gandalph."

Maine, Mustaches & Mosquitos.

Today is Day 8, which means as of tomorrow, our trip is half over. Wahh.

So, as you may have seen... We achieved all our lobster goals by ordering twin lobsters. I must say, it was quite appalling and I will never eat a whole lobster again in my life.

There was just a lot of cracking, and oozing, and discharging for one dish. When I am eating, I do not want any of my food having a discharge. Sick-a-relly.

So, we are now Livin' La Vida Lesson Learned and, in the future, plan to opt for the chowder, and politely pass on the opportunity to open up the exoskeleton of our dinner.

What did not disappoint, on the other hand, was bathing. It felt so good to have all six heads (and tails) scrupulously cleaned. We trimmed nails, washed clothes and flip flops. It was a little sad to discover that my legs were not as tan as I thought, just dirty. After the hotel, we got right back into the filth of our camping groove.

We explored downtown Portland, Maine (not nearly as radical as our visit to Portland, Oregon last summer... Rick and Christine were sorely missed.) After Portland, we went to Mackworth Island which is an adorable little island, heavily wooded, with a narrow beach... but, the best part is a clearing in the woods with dozens of tiny fairy houses built by little visitors. Annalee and Marlie got right to work building intricate fairy houses, complete with desk lamps made of acorn tops, and leafy bed covers. Harper got right to work laying a stick across his upper lip and pretending it was a huge mustache. And London waited until we had hiked to the point on the island that was furthest from the car (and the diaper bag), then got to work on filling her drawers. It was a beautiful day though and a nice, easy hike. For the two oldest girls, it was definitely a favorite activity.

Our campsite last night was not at all what we expected. The website boasted of waterfront campsites which would be a clam-digging free-for-all. In actuality, it was a wild mosquito refuge, in the deep woods of a trailer-park, with a dash of thunderstorms during set-up time. If I was still in my twenties, this might be a time when I complained. Fortunately for all of us, my new maturity transcends such trivial challenges.

If I were in my twenties, I might also complain about our GPS, which has led us astray, more than once. But, not thirty year old, fabulous me. This me says "well, at least we know where that supermarket isn't!" (Insert polite, closed-mouthed church smile here, while making a hmm sound.)

But, we managed to stay dry, get ice cream to celebrate Annalee's and London's half birthdays, and get a decent night's sleep. This morning we visited the Maine Maritime Museum in Bath, Me. We saw lots of interesting things, and climbed aboard a real ship, as well as a pirate ship playground.

We are on our way to Acadia National Park, which will be our home for the next three nights. As for ATATT, Tom is feeling overwhelmed by the question "how is the trip going?" So, out of respect for the hardships of newfound celebdom, I will give the fans a little something to hold them over and just say that he is a safe driver, a willing tent putter-upper and his head, specifically, is a mosquito magnet.

So for Day 8, we are taking the scenic drive along the rocky coast of Maine, while we sip hot coffee and all the kids are silent with sleep... even in my twenties I couldn't complain.

Maine Madness

We just left White Mountain National Forest where we hiked one of Mt. Washington's easier trails. Still, it was steep and rocky, and quite challenging. The kids did awesome, and we had the proud realization that most of the places we have hiked don't have many kids on the trails... so we feel pretty sure that their athletic prowess is probably unparalleled. Plus, the girls had on dresses. Athletic prowess and style?? That's a double threat y'all.

We are headed to our first hotel night. This also means our first showers, grocery run, and laundry time. It will feel good to get cleaned up and restock, but I am mostly excited to get into Maine, where we will spend the longest stretch of time in one state. I hope to be livin' la vida lobster by tonight. (Oh, hotel nights are usually our one sanctioned eat-out night per week as well.)

Since Tom's fan base is growing considerably... I won't delay what most of you are waiting for: All Tom, All the Time!
Today's feature will include a list of "Tom's Road Trip Fast Facts." Enjoy!

Fave activity: "Pretending I was in the Lord of the Rings when we were hiking in The Shire." (Here, Tom is referring to New Hamp'shire' as "The Shire.")
Fave meal: "Eating all the dropped food off the ground. Nope, not the food London dropped, all the food Lara dropped."
Percentage of rage increase every time you pass a Moose Crossing sign without actually seeing a moose: "A full 100%. Every time. The sign should say 'Moose Already Crossed, That's How We Knew to Put a Sign Here.'"
Most insulting thing I have said to you on this trip: "I can't believe you didn't fail school."
Most insulting thing you have said to me on this trip: "Ya airin' out yer hamhocks?" (Meaning my feet. See earlier post for his follow-up attempt to scramble out a compliment to undo this remark.)
Most frustrating moment: (Here Tom tells an unrelated story about a trip to Guatemala many years ago. Followed by a few not-so-frustrating accounts of this trip.) Then, we decided to skip it because, let's be honest... the only thing that frustrates Tom is not seeing moose and having to answer these freakin' questions.
Fave thing about traveling with me: "Reading every road sign in a southern accent. And when we run into any sort of problem, your willingness to start 'hitting people with a bat.'"
Hopes and dreams for the remainder of trip: "To actually see you hit some jerk with Harper's wiffle ball bat."

I have renamed this section "Tom's Incredibly Slow Facts," since it took him an hour and a half to answer each question. More from Maine, coming soon!

I guess I will write an update while I am pinned to the floor anyways. (London is sleeping in my elbow, allowing me just enough mobility to, conveniently, hold this small device.)

To backtrack a little, we spent our third night in Vermont in the Green Mountain National Forest. It was a great site - private, brooke-side and only ten bucks. And for that low price, we never expected the bonus package to include just a tiny bit of poison ivy on Marlie's leg. She is actually handling it really well, and the placebo ointment seems to work for a few minutes at least.

Packing up that site was our first experience with packing up soaked gear. Tom's leisurely morning tear-down quickly morphed into wild hysterics as it started thunder storming. From there the rain was in and out for most of the day... But we are so hardcore (ie; unnecessarily committed to our itinerary) that we opted to do our hiking in the rain. It was actually a lot of fun, but we were low on sleep and the kids 'tudes were needing adjustment.

We camped in the White Mountain National Forest (night #1) in New Hampshire. We started this morning with new mindsets (and lectures about gratitude), which proved to start the day out on the right foot. Everyone took several opportunities to say what they were thankful for throughout the day, and we celebrated each time with an obnoxiously upbeat and over-the-top group hug. I know it sounds corny... that's because it was a serious amount of corny. But we got more gratitude out of them than when we didn't do group hugs and thankful high fives all around, so, we'll take corny.

Today we did an awesome hike around the Basin at Franconia Notch State Park. There were waterfalls, and natural water slides, and London splashing in a diaper. Annalee found fools gold. Harper went waist deep, fully clothed. And Marlie was very brave hiking in the muddy parts of the trail (despite her intense fear of quick sand, or, more specifically, sinking into the earth.)

After the hike, we surprised the kids and took them on the Aerial Tramway which gives a gorgeous view of New Hampshire, Vermont and (on very clear days) Canada. We did not see Canada, but it was fun and beautiful, and we got to the top and hiked a really cool trail.

We are settled in the tent now, playing cards, lazing with babies and deciding if we should play crazy eights again, or teach the kids poker. (That one counts as "All Tom, All the Time.")

By request: Kids' Faves to date

*Annalee- "Hiking in the waterfalls today, because I found fool's gold. But there are so many more, it's so hard, but I'll just say that one for now."
*Marlie- "The Tramway and the Daughters of the Revolution house, because I just liked it. Loved it."
*Harper- "Going down the red one and it was fun and the Revolution and going in the water and Annalee and Marlie went on the tiny water and I decided not to go because it was too deep and I can get hurted and it was 'gwait.'"
(My best guess for) *London- trying "budge," commonly referred to as fudge.

@laracapuano