breaking up is hard to do.

i don't think i have ever really gotten dumped.  until now.

i can't say for sure, but i am pretty sure that this is how it feels to get good and dumped.  ya see, we put in an offer on a beautiful home that really seemed like it was the best possible home for us.  this house was just like the perfect guy: sensible, stable, good-looking, (without trying to impress anyone), met all my earthly needs, had a lot of character, and even a little bit of a sense of humor, humble from the outside, but was really something special on the inside... where it counts.  oh, and like all perfect guys, he had a walk-in butler's pantry.

in fairness, i know it isn't exactly the same as a breakup with an actual human... but, all the major factors are the same.  it all started out like young love.  there was the awkward anticipation of the introduction, trying to get to know the house while everyone is watching and wondering if we'll hit it off.  there's that feeling of being totally head over heels, but trying to play it cool, knowing you need to take things slow, and really try to see things realistically.  all to no avail, because there simply are no flaws!

then, it starts to unravel.

i want to make a commitment, but my facebook status indicates that i am already a relationship with another house, or worse yet... that "it's complicated" because i need to sell by owner so i don't lose all my equity.  all of this is just too much for the dream-guy-house, because he's totally ready to settle down, and he's a real catch, and he knows what he is looking for and if you don't snatch him up... some other unattached babe is gonna snag 'em with an offer that isn't contingent on breaking up with her other house first.

and this leads to the ultimate demise.  suddenly there i am, making these empty promises that i swear i'll break it off with this other house, that this other house means nothing to me... that the house i currently own was just there for me when i needed a place to stay... it isn't love!  i just need a little time to let that house down gently!  please, i just need a little time!

i am acting a desperate fool, and he just moves on like our time together meant nothing to him.

in keeping with the common denominators of a heart wrenching breakup:  i cried for an embarrassingly disproportionate amount of time, i had trouble sleeping, woke up clinically depressed and without any desire to eat or hope for any future happiness.  i emailed his buddies (aka the realtor) and asked to convince him to give me another chance. (sorry tom, that is actually true.)   i (impressively) was able to change every subject of conversation back to the house, i spent most of the day looking at pictures of the house online, then went to the "post office" which is PATHETIC for "i drove past the house just to see if the house was home."  i have pouted like a betrayed dumpee, and spent every spare second looking online for a house to rebound with.  i just want to hurt him the way he hurt me.  i want him to realize what he is missing.  and when he sees me pull my U-haul down a DOUBLE-wide driveway, he will look at his puny single-wide and wish that he never let me slip through his beautiful pocket-doors.

with leaded glass.

so, as it stands, my current status is "brokenhearted. for-sale. by owner." (spoken in an Eeyore-voice)  but, in my heart... i am "single, lookin' to  mingle."  thoug, deep down, my heart really belongs to that handsome stranger that is in the arms of some floozy who came out of the shadows with all her money and her freedom and her move-in-with-a-quickness.  there is no way she loves him like i do, there is just no way.

Annalee, my sweet-faced, second-grader, during her after-school interrogation. What does this entail? well, before the girls play after school, they are required to tell me all their deep, girly feelings. since that is hard to get out of anyone... I am, at least, allowed 4 questions. 1) what is something great that happened today? 2) what is something that happened that was not-so-great? 3) what happened that was interesting? 4) what is one thing that you learned? believe it or not, this usually tricks them into divulging more deep, girly feelings than i would have gotten otherwise. Maybe my favorite part of the day, these mama-daughter interrogations.

when you give a wolf your first-born... the others will surely follow

so i sent three quarters of my children out into the world today.  (insert dry heave.)

i remember planning my back-to school outfit when i was little.  my favorite year was fifth grade, when i rocked black jeans and a teal short-sleeved shirt with matching teal earrings.  my mom always said the jeans were "brushed denim" which in my mind was as good as cashmere.  even if they were "brushed," they couldn't have been that classy because i definitely wore them with all-black reebok hightops.  which was great, because i definitely planned on dunking on all my friends that year.

all that to say, my kids were that excited last night.  i know they slept fitfully, if at all.  especially harper, since it was his first day of school ever.  he was 100% certain that he was going to have the best time of his life. when i picked him up he said "i tried to remember everything you told me, but i forgot to be a good friend to everybody."

oh boy.  that is just what a mother wants to hear on day one.  upon further clarification, i was less concerned because what happened was that he forgot to introduce himself to the kid who couldn't stop sobbing for his mother.  we had encouraged him to say kids that seemed shy or nervous, "hi my name is harper, what is your name?"  and follow up with "do you want to play?"  but, due to all the hysterics, harper forgot to network with that particular child.  sooo... he felt he was not a good friend to everybody, technically.

still, i think he did have a great time.  i am basing this on our trip to the drug store after school, where he literally told every single passerby that he was in preschool.  you would be shocked how many people seemed genuinely proud of this little stranger-boy with zero social boundaries.  i was quite proud myself.

i can't wait for annalee and marlie to get home to see if their first day went as well as harper's.  I pulled each of them aside this morning to remind them of who they are, and how great they will do, and what we expect from them at school.  then i let them each borrow a pair of my earrings.  it was adorable how special this seemed to make them feel.  they acted like this was a major privilege.  i mean, they were my regular cheap-o earrings... it's not like they were made of brushed denim!  still, it seemed to give them the little boost every gal needs before walking in to school on the first day.

i always go back and forth about school.  do i send them to public school, or to "the wolves" as my father-in-law calls it?  do i homeschool, and risk having them lose out on so many of the great experiences i had when i was in school?  do i send them to private school and file for bankruptcy?  i think most parents lament over these same questions... so, i don't claim to be going through something unique.  and i certainly don't claim to have any answers.  i know enough about life to admit that i know so little... that i cannot possibly pretend to know what is going to be the best decision for my own kids, let alone anybody else's.  i think we all have to work out all parenting decisions, with the insights, tools and convictions God has uniquely given us.  and that includes schooling decisions.  it is senseless to think that there is one educational model or scenario that suits all children.  (at least in my opinion it is.)

so, we have resolved to make a new decision, for each kid, for each year.  and as hard as it is to send them out into the world... this year happens to be that the 3 older kids are all in public school.  and i feel really good about that decision, for this year.  london, on the other hand, is going to a local community college this fall.  which is a little unsettling, so we will re-evaluate at the semester.

eye cannot do a video blog.

i woke up early this morning, and couldn't fall back to sleep.  i don't know if it is all the back-to-school buzz that kept me awake, or if it was the raging headache that arrived around 5:30am... but, i was in bed, wide awake when i got the most brilliant idea i have ever had.  i am going to do a video blog.

here is why it appealed to me:

  1. i say what i think, and i write the same way that i talk.  why not save some time by cutting out the middle-man, and skip the writing and just say stuff?
  2. i had all these clever ideas of what i would say, and how clean my house would be... (and if it wasn't clean, i would say something cute like "it's not my fault... the camera adds ten loads of laundry!"
  3. you all could actually see my kids' personalities in real time!
  4. for the avid ATATT readers, you guys would realize how difficult it is to get tom to answer any of my questions.  you would feel sorry for me, and be my fan, instead of tom's.
here is why it's not actually going to work:
  1. i have spent almost an hour trying to access the BUILT-IN web camera on my tippytappy and i cannot.
  2. i have a lazy eye.  okay, that isn't exactly true.  in real life, i have a regularly energetic eye, but for some reason when i am on camera one eye seems a little lazy.  not completely lazy, like it refuses to go anywhere, it more lags than anything else.  like it just needs a powernap and it'll be back on it's top game.  i don't know why this is, because in real life, it has all the energy and spot-on timing an eye could hope for... maybe it's camera-shy.
  3. i really didn't have any clever things to say, except that one thing about the camera adding ten loads of laundry, and after an hour of searching for my webcam, it seemed less funny.  and i realized that the only funny thing about my video blog was going to be my one lackadaisical eye.
  4. i do not mind being ridiculous in writing.  i don't even mind being ridiculous in person.  but i refuse to be ridiculous on video.  i will never be the girl with the video of herself (and her eye) on the internet so people can send it to their old college roommates with a caption that says "hey everyone! check out this video!  she doesn't say anything clever or hysterical... so just mute it, and watch that one eye try to keep up!  it's gotta be like that in real life too, for sure it's a lazy eye!"  nobody will believe it is just stage fright.
so, video-blog is off the to-do list.  my ego is fragile enough to avoid all that.  plus, i can't access the stinkin' camera should my ego decide to toughen up a bit.  it looks like for now, i will just have to be satisfied with being ridiculous in writing.  and in person.

our mistry baby.

while i was recently going through some papers and school projects that came home at the end of the school year, i came across a family book that marlie had made.  on each page she had drawn a picture of a family member and wrote how she loved each of us.  it started with your standard issued "i love my daddy, i love my mama, i love my sister, i love my brother, i love my baby sister."

i was surprised that there was an extra page at the end.  on it, she drew a picture of herself, with wild, yellow curls, blue eyes and "peach" skin.  beside her was a little swaddled baby, carefully colored dark brown.  below, the caption read, 
"i love my mistry baby."  


it is strange sometimes how a baby that doesn't even exist yet can already feel like a part of our family.  sometimes, when people ask how many kids i have, i accidentally say "five."  when we look at houses, we make sure there is room for five kids.  when we consider feeding the bottomless pit that is teenage children, we envision feeding five insatiable pits.  when i pray for my kids, i write in five different-colored prayer journals.  and when we panic about how we can't afford to put any of them through college, we make sure we panic about not being able to afford five tuitions.

this baby feels as much a part of our family as any of us.  and i can't wait to meet, and then know, and then love, our mistry baby.

now that london's health issues have resolved, and she is at a reasonable age to begin considering a sibling as a real, live thing in our home... we are starting up the adoption process again.  many people wonder (and ask) what this will look like... so, here is sort of list of must-do's as we move forward in the adoption journey.


  • finish all of our on-line application information.  (we have done the formal application and the interview portion, but the online portion requires a lot of specific family and financial information that we need to update and adjust.  it is actually pretty time consuming.)
  • apply for adoption loans.  (we are really praying that we will be selected for the abba fund, which is an interest-free adoption loan... this would really change our lives.  paying off our first adoption loan was a huge deal this past tax season, and we would love to avoid paying any interest this time around, if it is at all possible!)  
  • continue fundraising.  (this adoption will probably cost us somewhere around $16,000.  hopefully, this explains why we need to take a loan, and do fundraising. check out our store to see how you can help out!)
  • take care of tedious details, that are annoying, but necessary. this includes: getting physicals to clear for everyone in the home, getting fingerprints done, as well as child abuse clearances/background checks so they know we aren't criminals,   (hope they don't find out about this.)
  • make a family profile. (this is a scrapbook that gives birthparents a look at what life with us might be like.  this is where a birthmother can "get to know" a family through pictures and letters that explain who a family is and what they enjoy, believe and do together as a family.  it can play a huge role in being chosen by a birthmother, so it is an important, and time-consuming project... but one that i love to do!)
  • complete the home study.  (this is what kicks off my adoptive-version of nesting.  and trust me, it is no less intense than nesting while pregnant.  i have done both! comparatively, nesting during an adoption is intensified because it happens for an indefinite period of time! having no due date to use as a gauge for when my personal mania will end is tricky, but i usually  use the home study date as a nice "kick-off" to my indefinite state of perpetual nesting-mania.
  • maybe move into a different house.  (this one is not a "must" but is highly recommended by the last shred of common sense that i possess.  in order to make room for mistry babe, we will have to really overhaul the bedrooms.  depending on if we have a boy or a girl... we will have to move harper and london around, tear up carpets, loft beds, and bunk the baby up with someone... it just might be a costly project, and we aren't 100% convinced it makes sense to invest more money in this house, when we know that eventually we are going to need more space.  and if there is one person out there who would like to challenge me on this, i would ask you to try potty-training and living with five kids with one bathroom. on the second floor.  that leaves one sink, one toilet, one shower, and three bathroom drawers for 7 people.  i am not complaining... we have been making it work.  but, let's just say... we are outgrowing our home with four kids.  #5 might seal the deal.)
so, those are the major things off the top of my head.  i will certainly keep everyone apprised as we move along.  we are very excited about growing our family, once again, through adoption.  i am, admittedly, a little nervous.  it seems pushy to ask God for another healthy, beautiful child.  it is tempting to leave well-enough alone, and just be happy with the four treasures that i have already been given.  but, God is God.  and i am a fool. so, i am gonna go with obeying what i believe He has asked us to do.  and i believe we are called to open our hearts, our lives, our home, and even our bathroom to another baby.  so, we will.  we will wait, and nest, and open ourselves to this little miracle-mistry that will someday be so much our own, that he will only seem a mistry to everyone but us.

there's a support group for that.

today i blew my baby's nose into a pair of dirty socks.

usually, i would opt for my sleeve, or a receipt from my pocket, or whatever elderly tissue i could find crumpled in the bottom of my diaper bag.  but today was special.  today was a snot-in-sock kinda day.  we were at the park with some lovely friends (shout out to jeannine and her well-behaved and sweet kiddos) and it was getting pretty hot, so i had marlie take off her socks.  it was handy timing because not too long after that, i saw london trying to blow her own nose into the pocket of her overalls.

"sick," i think to myself.  dirty socks made much more sense.

this was my first playdate with this woman.  and i was thankful that she didn't judge me.  out loud.

i have been processing through this whole judging, comparing, insecurity issue.  i think i am coming into a good place where i am starting to, unabashedly, be who i am.  in some ways, i feel like i have always been myself... no matter who i was around.  but, immediately upon leaving any social situation... i beat myself up for being myself.  for talking too much, or being too opinionated, or for asking such personal questions, or for not asking enough questions, or for waving my gangly limbs around too much when i talk.

this blog has actually been very therapeutic in regard to being myself.  lately, a few "closeted" readers came forward and confessed to following my blog.  they were such encouraging women!  they said such lovely, complimentary things.  but the best thing was when my friend, sue, said "it makes me feel like maybe i can be my self, and i don't have to fake it all the time."

what a blessing those words were to me.  so often i consider whether or not i should filter, or sensor, or eliminate something i have done, or said, or felt.  tom, my faithful proof-reader, continually encourages me, saying something to the effect of "you haven't had a filter a day in your life, why would you start now."

he frees me to be me.  sue, and these other ladies that encouraged me and my little blog, freed me up to be me.  and even those little moments where i literally (or figuratively) blow my baby's nose in a pair of gym socks, and forget that maybe that's disgusting and my new friend might be repulsed... instead, she just laughs and suggests i blog about it, and makes me feel free to be me.

so, this blog post is dedicated to any other secret blog- followers out there.  you may think of yourself as a "blog-stalker" or even a "creeper" as one woman swore that she was not.  but i don't care how shady or shifty you are, this post is for you readers in the closet.  just know, that there are others out there just like you.  you are not in this alone. and i appreciate you all, even if you never come forward.  when i write some crazy story about my life, or an even crazier story about what goes on in this head of mine... you read it and you don't send me mean emails, and in some small way, that makes me feel free to be myself.  and for better or worse, i am one nutty broad... so i will take all the freedom i can get!

if you, or someone you love, has secretly followed a blog... now is the time to confess it.  there is a whole bunch of us out there.  so don't be ashamed of how creeptastic you may seem., just confess your blog love freely.  and, if you're in a pinch, wipe a nose with whatever you fancy.


@laracapuano