Day 3: Do Not Leave Your Books Unattended

For those of you just joining us, welcome, here is your homework: Day 1 and Day 2.  Now that we are all on the same page, there is something you should probably know... especially if you are planning to join in on all the kindness.  Here it is: kindness scares people.  Now, I'm not saying people don't appreciate acts of kindness, and I would certainly never discourage the kindness!  I am simply stating a fact.  And the fact is that people are very skeptical of random kindnesses.  Last year, I had a whole group of people waiting for a bus reject my donut holes (which were still sealed in a store bought package, mind you, so the rejection was not a sanitary decision which I could have understood and appreciated).  They looked at me like I was trying to give them donut holes laced with meth.  Or hair.

Anyways, people do not trust a gal just handing out perfectly sanitary breakfast pastries, it's just something we all need to accept.  It makes it awkward, sure, but it also makes it even better when someone is blessed by somebody with no strings attached, and slowly they realize that it is not a hidden camera show, or a trap of some sort, but it is, in fact... kindness.

That being said, today's act of kindness was a little on the awkward side.  Now, you newer readers may not know this but my husband was laid off about 3 months ago, and I make almost zero dollars a year, and we have five children, so it goes without saying that we have had to tighten our belt a little.  And by a little, I mean we ate our belt for dinner because we are so poor.  Okay, that was maybe a touch dramatic.  In reality, we are fine.  We're being very frugal and wise and we are learning to go without everything but the necessities, and that is really hard, but very good.  However, I am going to need you to keep all this in mind this month because my acts of service need to cost little to NO money.  I already blew my budget on sugar-free candies for the boys, so it's gotta be Random Acts of Cheapness from here on out.  Enter Day 3.

I love to read, and obviously, I love to write.  I still remember my brother giving me To Kill a Mockingbird, which remains to this day, my favorite book of all time.  Adam was also a voracious reader, and an excellent writer.  He received an award for an essay he wrote on tolerance, and he was the editor-in-chief of an award-winning school newspaper, and if I remember correctly... he had a brief stint in high school being pen-pals with famous author, Ken Follett.

A love for reading and writing is one of my favorite ways that I feel similar to Adam.  So, it seemed fitting (and free) to take some books from my own collection and give them away.  I decided to leave them around, on park benches, at playgrounds, on the gas pump.  I left little notes, like these, so that people knew that someone hadn't just left it behind on accident.

Here's how it got awkward.  If you walk up to a playground, without any children, you already seem like there is at least a chance that you are a registered sex offender.  And with that little cloud of suspicion already around you, one might think it unwise to put an item on a park bench and then slowly leave without saying anything.  Seriously, in hindsight, it was a very terroristy thing to do.  If I was pushing my kid on the swings and I saw that happen, I would definitely think that the book was a small bomb that had been marinating in anthrax.

Fortunately nobody called the bio-terrorist unit, and that's good enough for me.  I am just happy that I could share with some strangers the love of books, and hopefully it will bring a little joy into someone's day and make them fall in love with reading the way Adam and I did.  And if that dream is a little too lofty, at least nobody got anthrax, which is a win for everyone.

Forever Seventeen

I woke up this morning with an act of kindness planned for day two.  I decided to put that plan on hold when I received this picture.

Along with so many of my fantastic friends and family members, my friend Brandi and her husband Danny have committed to participating in our challenge this month.  Brandi works at a boarding school on the north shore of Boston that is specifically for students with dyslexia who come from all over the world. Brandi sent me a message this morning saying that after reading my post from Day One she had been feeling very emotional when her reading students came in and she was struck by the fact that each of her students was, in fact, a 17 year old boy.  

Like Adam, one of these boys is a soccer player who was telling Brandi about his game last night. The realization of these kids' ages and interests prompted a desire to share Adam's story with her students.  As the boys listened to her tell them about how a young life, so similar to their own, was cut short in the blink of an eye, they too were moved with emotion.  To Brandi's surprise, the boys didn't just listen, but they responded... by agreeing to join in with us this month, intentionally committing 31 acts of kindness for the 31 days of October.

I don't know if this will make any sense to anyone... but the fact that there are a couple of 17 year old kids running around Boston, blessing people with kindness is truly the most hilarious and healing image in my mind!  My heart is so full, and it was such a blessing to be able to call my mom this morning and let her know that her son is still impacting lives for good.  What that does for a mama who has lost her son... they don't realize it, but that was their first act of kindness.

So, for day two, my new favorite 17 year old boys are gettin' candy.  

I have zero in common with 17 year old boys (except maybe body type, if they're gangly and awkward)

so I wasn't sure what to send them.  I heard that any kind of junk food is a good idea, so I filled a box with all things high fructose corn syrup.  *If any of you boys have a peanut allergy, spoiler alert, this is not going to go well for you.  I also threw in an unnecessary amount of sugar-free hard candies, which are essentially garbage, but are something I often remember Adam eating.  As a wrestler always trying to "make weight," he would eat those disgusting candies all the time, and get ridiculously upset if... sayyyy... someone like a little sister hid all those candies for no particular reason.

I included a letter thanking them, and telling them a little more about my brother and his candies, and how much this means to our family that my brother's "peers" would be involved in honoring his memory, because Adam is, after all, forever seventeen.

Day 1: Life.

I can't believe that it has already been a full year since I told the story about my brother, Adam.  I started with the story of his death, and spent the rest of the month trying to share and honor the story his life.  And here I am again.  Day one.

Below is the original post, because I think it is important to start at the beginning, and because I want all the new readers to understand why I am spending another October choosing to celebrate and honor life, rather than being consumed by death...

In loving memory of my big brother. 

--

I am going to tell you a story.

I haven't done this before, told this story, so detailed and so publicly.  But, I am going to try something big this month, and I think I need to tell this story in order to do it well.  So, here goes nothin...

It was Halloween night many years ago, and my 17 year old brother, Adam H. Provencal, was driving home from the Regional Championship Soccer game.  He was a senior in high school and the captain of the soccer team, and this victory was worth celebrating, and it was news worth spreading for our small Michigan town.

When my brother (and his friend Mike) were driving home and passed some of their friends out playing some harmless Halloween pranks, it was the perfect time to spread the news.  So Adam pulled the car over and was telling his friends about the big victory.  I have no idea what my brother was thinking or feeling in that moment but, my guess, is freedom.  I imagine a boy - crazy about sports, working so hard to maintain his 4.0 GPA in mostly advanced placement classes, editor-in-chief of the nationally recognized school paper, and all-around nice guy - and the pressure that that brings on a kid.  I imagine him in this moment, and the hard work (for now) is done and has paid off with a regional championship.  And he's free.  He is young and free, and he wants to tell to his friends.

So, he pulls over and he and his friends are joking around and talking and hanging out, and they are young and free in this moment.

The whimsical youth of the moment ends when a homeowner comes out and is irate about the pranks and, though my brother had not been involved in them, he had the car and perhaps that made him seem to be the ringleader somehow.  I don't really know if that was why Adam felt the need to go to the door or not, but he did.  He decided he would walk up to the door, to apologize for being there and to offer to clean up the toilet paper in the yard, and he no longer felt young and free.  He was probably terrified that he was going to get in trouble.  So, he dutifully walked up to the man's door and knocked twice.

The man did not open the door and hear him out, he did not yell at Adam to leave, he did not call the police. When my 17 year old brother knocked on the door that night to have a hard conversation, he had a baby face and scrawny limbs and braces in his mouth.  And when Adam knocked twice on that door, the man gave no warning before he pulled the trigger of his shotgun, sending one, single bullet through the small window of his front door.

One bullet.

One bullet changed many lives, some lives even devastated.  But only one life was ended.  My only brother, my parents only son, my hero, my friend... the only person strong enough to jump on a trampoline with me on his shoulders, and the boy who led me to Christ, and taught me to dance like M.C. Hammer, and to be funny enough to joke my way out of trouble.  He was gone.

His murderer was in and then out of jail after only two years, for a boy's life taken in a rage over some harmless pranks.

Needless to say, when October rolls around I get stuck.  It is almost like my body involuntarily braces for a trauma.  The crisp fall air, the smell of leaves and bonfires... they are all beautiful reminders of fall, and nightmarish triggers that put my physical and emotional self on high alert, tragedy-ready.

So, here we are, heading into the 31 days of October, and I am 31 years old... outliving my big brother by 14 years.  I need to do something.  I need to be productive and I need to spend these 31 days focusing outwardly, or I will implode with my seasonal misery and depression.  So, I accepted a challenge, a plan designed to get out of my head and focus on other people.  31 days of kindness toward others.

I have no idea what this 31 day challenge is going to teach me.  And I have very little faith in my ability to stick with this.  So, this is me going on public record promising to let these next 31 days not be all about me, and all about memories and sadness and lost life.  Rather, I want to commit myself to honor all the good Adam would have done if his life had not been cut short.  I wanted to be just like him when I grew up.  Well, here is my chance... 31 is pretty grown up, so here goes nothing.

--

For my first act of kindness this year, I created and donated some custom-made hair pieces and costume pieces to a local ballet ministry appropriately named "The Life Ballet," which shares a message of life and healing to millions of men and women who suffer in silence in the aftermath of having chosen to have an abortion.  

The Life Ballet was written and created by Sandy Arena, who shares her personal story of having had two abortions herself, and has since devoted her life to helping women recover from the devastating effects many women experience after having an abortion.  Sandy and her amazing family have poured themselves into a mission that does not judge or condemn women for their choice but, rather, helps them find freedom, forgiveness and healing.

Being able to support Sandy and the dancers in The Life Ballet is kind of a perfect day one, because this month of kindness is about the same thing... finding freedom, forgiveness and healing.

My Life in Pictures

Below is a typical week in my life, told through photograph.  All of these pictures are things that I have witnessed and/or discovered in the past two weeks.  Some are self-explanatory and some are a little more "your guess is as good as mine" type of moments captured on camera.  

Whether it's Jaylen getting stuck under the furniture, the town's treatment of my newly seeded grass, London's antennas, or the evidence that I live with a tiny peeping tom, or if it's Harper's method of transporting clean socks to his bedroom... I hope you enjoy the beautiful absurdity that I am subjected to on a minutely basis. 

How to Keep Your Friends that Adopt

I have been dragging my feet about starting to answer all the questions, partly because I have been so busy and partly because there is plenty to write about just in my life in general - and updates are always easier to write than something topical.  But, alas... I will begin.

The first question I am going to answer was unique in that the person asking wasn't trying to satisfy any sort of curiosity, but was genuinely interested in better supporting adoptive families.  I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with asking questions about adoption purely because you want to gain a better 

understanding of the whole thing... I love asking questions and I encourage others to do the same!  But I did like that this question was not for curiosity sake but for the sake of supporting others.

Before I get started, I would like to put out a bit of a disclaimer.  I do not speak for all adoptive moms.  I do not speak for all biological moms.  I do not speak for all women, or all Christians, or all hilarious people.  I don't speak for anyone but myself, and I don't even want that responsibility.  As it is, my opinion can change just on a hormone's whim... so I can't even promise that I will agree with me tomorrow.  So take all this with the tiniest grain of salt possible.  Maybe not even salt, but like... some sort of low-sodium salt alternative.  Just remember that if I write something ridiculous, I warned you to take my answers with a grain of Mrs. Dash.  Now, let's do this.

Question: How can people better support adoptive families?

My low-sodium answer:

1)  Celebrate!  When a couple announces that they are beginning the adoption process, react the same way as if they just handed you a framed sonogram picture, because that is pretty much what is happening, they are expecting a baby!!  This is great news guys.  Who doesn't love a good baby?  This is when you jump up and down, maybe cry a little and hugs all around!  This is not a time to list all your concerns or ask if they've seen the movie Losing Isaiah.  Just do all the normal "are you hoping for a boy or a girl? Do you have names picked out?" kind of stuff and just plan the freakin baby shower already.

Friends came to celebrate Jaylen's homecoming from NYC.

2)  Do Ask Questions!  Asking questions is a great way to gain more knowledge about the process, to undo some preconceived notions, and most importantly it is a great way to be involved in a wonderful and exciting season in the lives of the happy couple and to show that you care!  My guidance about questions is to frame sensitive inquiries carefully, and leave room for people not to answer if it is too private or too painful to rehash.  Just because someone announces that they are expecting via adoption, does not mean that they are ready to sign over a HIPA release to you. Simply avoiding assumptions (about their fertility status, reasons for adopting, etc.) and asking "The Google" first will clear up some questions that you may want to ask ("How much does it cost?") and give you a spring board to ask those questions in a better way. ("I read that adoption is really expensive, are you planning to do any fundraising?")  This shows that you care, you've done a little homework, and that you respect privacy enough not to be overly direct on sensitive points.  

3)  Do Share Your Reasonable Concerns.  Adoption is a complex issue, and the very reality that adoption exists is actually a tragedy.  Soo... it's very natural to have concerns or opinions on adoption, and it IS OKAY TO SHARE THOSE with your loved ones.  If you've followed tips 1 & 2, you've earned the right to share concerns, but remember that concerns are best received if you use adoption-friendly language.  Simply rephrasing questions like "Aren't you afraid that the kid will want to look for his real mom someday?" Or "Don't you want your own children?" to more sensitive language like "How will you prepare for the day your child decides he might be interesting in reconnecting with his biological family?"  Or "Has a desire for biological children had any impact on your decision to adopt a child?"  Just coming from a place of love and support is the most important thing.  When in doubt, start all questions and concerns with "tell me if this is totally ignorant, but I just want to understand..."  Chances are, you will blow it at one point or another, and a lot of grace is given to those who acknowledge the fumbling and/or to those who threw us a baby shower.  

4) Encourage.  Like a physical pregnancy, adoption has a lot of ups and downs.  Pregnancy has plenty of exhaustion, anticipation, fears and joys... adoption too!  Some pregnancies end in devastating sadness, yep... we got that too.  People say stupid things to pregnant women, holler back on that one.  Whether an expectant couple is growing their child inside of their body, or via the womb of another woman... they need a lot of support during this scary, exciting and life-altering stage!  Keeping the couple encouraged and uplifted will be of great importance, especially during long wait times or times when they feel a sense of rejection when they are not chosen.  Just a note of encouragement will do, but if you want bonus points... write a letter to their future child telling her how much her parents wanted her and longed for her and how loved she already is!!  When all else fails, plan another shower.

5) Consider Financial Support.  Adoption is ridiculously expensive.  Until adoption reform takes place, it is an extremely costly decision, and one that people often make because they feel a specific calling to adopt.  It is rarely a decision that is made because "We could afford it, so why not!?"  There are plenty of ways to help with the financial portion, even if you personally don't have extra funds lying around.  Simply hosting a fundraiser dinner in your home, or donating items for a fundraising garage sale, or spreading the word by sharing the link to their online fundraiser/auction... be creative!  The reality is that it takes a village.  Most people finance their adoption with some combination of savings, funds that have been donated, and ultimately an adoption loan.  These are usually low-interest loans that can take years to pay off.  We paid off our first adoption loan about one year before taking the second.  We have been very blessed with generous friends and family, and without them... We would have had to sell Tom in order to bring Jaylen home.  So, at least consider blessing adoptive families with bags upon bags of cash.  Trust me, if you do... they will still have to take a loan, but they'll love you forever and you will have the distinct blessing of knowing that you helped bring a family together.  Plus, if you are the controlling type... You can push for a least a middle name in your honor.

 Tom rocking the T-shirt we sell as an adoption fundraiser.

Voila!  Five steps to keeping your friends that adopt!  And more on this later, but it also really helps of you aren't a racist.  

Hearing the Whole Banana

Okay, so I had this whole blog post all typed up, and it was witty and smart and very insightful... and then, well, I erased it.  As you know, I'm a total quitter so losing a perfectly usable post made me throw in the towel.  I couldn't rewrite it, and I couldn't bring myself to write about something new, because that's just wasteful.  In situations like that, the most logical solution for me is to quit.  Well, I pout first, then quit.  Buuut, I'm back in the saddle because Laura Belden Cook threatened to take away my baby if I didn't.  

Please pray for her.

Speaking of my baby... I am so pleased to report that Mr. Jaylen is adjusting nicely to his new hearing aids (or his "helppity helpers" as we may or may not call them around the house.)  If you haven't checked it out yet, the video that I posted of him hearing fully for the first time is worth a look. 

It was such a precious moment to see him looking over his shoulder trying to figure out what and where that noise was!  The ride home from the audiology appointment was adorable.  I sat in the back of the van so that I could watch Jaylen's reactions, and it was so sweet to see him discover sounds for the first time.  He was trying to sit forward in his car seat, straining to see the cars pass.  It was as if he just realized that cars move and make noise!  I think this whole time he thought that we just get strapped into a silver box that shakes around for a while and then spits us out at grandma's.  

He seems confused by some sounds and excited by others, and placing sounds will probably be a bit of a challenge for a while, but overall he is adjusting very well.  

Originally, the audiologist told me to plan on doing nothing for two weeks except putting hearing aids back into my child's head.  In the two weeks following his appointment I had our annual Back-to-School-Girls-Only camping trip (Jaylen and his helppity helpers not included), getting the Harper ready to go to his first day of kindergarten, Marlie's birthday, the first week of school, adjusting all of them to a new schedule, tons of orders to fill (including a wedding), plus a zillion other things to do.  I wasn't sure how I was supposed to cancel all of that to solely be on hearing aid duty, but it all worked out because Jaylen has literally not touched the hearing aids one single time.  I don't know what it is about that kid but a) he's awesome and b) everything he does for the first time, he acts like its old hat.  He just plays it cool and acts like he's been doing this all along.

It's not like he hasn't noticed them, it's just that he is awesome at keeping them in.  We can tell that he is noticing a difference because he is responding to sounds that he would normally not even blink about.  The biggest and best difference is how vocal he has been!  He can definitely hear himself... and he likes what he hears because when those puppies go in, he jabbers and coos and squeaks and squeals like it's payin' the bills.  

It has been a fun, and relatively easy adjustment, especially because we won't really do much differently.  His speech therapist/teacher of the deaf still feels that continuing to use as much sign language as possible is going to be the best chance for him to develop language.     She also said the we are excellent students, very "motivated" and that I have *sensational style.  *The part was a lie, but the other stuff made me feel so good, I didn't want it to end.

Anyways, the nice remarks gave Tom and I the courage to really dig deep and learn how to sign an entire book.  Who cares if it's Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?  We can sign a whole entire book!  I actually made a group of children sit down and watch me perform, and I have to say... the two year olds dig my stuff.  

Okay, that's all I got.  Baby Jay got hearing aids, his first tooth, started crawling and pulled up to stand along the couch for the first time!  He can also sign "mama, eat, thank you, and jump" (he doesn't do any of them consistently or well, but he's just seven months old for pete's sake... what more do you guys want from him really!?) 

Above is the "speech banana" which shows all the speech sounds (letter sounds) that fall in the mild to moderate hearing loss category.  Without amplification Jaylen would not be able to hear anything on or above the banana. As you can see, his speech development would be very challenging without any of those sounds available to him.  You can't learn to speak by hearing a lawn mower.  So, we are thankful that he appears to be hearing everything in that yellow section... and, we believe, even some of those beautiful, soft sounds at the top that we take for granted.

When we brought him home with his hearing aids for the first time, we got him out of the car and he looked right up at the trees and watched with wonder as the leaves rustled in the breeze.  Every single appointment, the countless hours spent in waiting rooms, all the parking garage fees, and co-pays and specialists and tears and evaluations... the waiting and the stress and the wondering, all of it, every bit was worth it just to see the smile that spread across his face because he could finally hear the whole banana.

Video: Jaylen Gets Hearing Aids

Jaylen finally got his hearing aids!  As you can see here... he is very happy about exploring the new world of sound!  

  

Here is the video from Jaylen hearing fully for the first time.  

At Least My Neck Looks Good

I am already about to fall off the blogging-every-other-day wagon.  It's not that I wanna quit, it's just an absolute animal house over here!

I promised a long overdue update on Jay's health, then I bragged about how awesome he was doing, then I clicked enter, thennnn he got RSV.

So... This post may be a little short and a lot cranky.  Tom has been out of town for nearly a week and while he was gone I went to the doctor three times, to the grocery store two times and into my shower, only once.  This is particularly heinous because my face smells like dried pee because I read that using cold coffe like a facial toner is anti-aging.  It actually kinda works - my neck has pretty much gone back in time - but my face smells like I use a wet pull-up as a pillow, so that makes the results only so-so.

I digress...  Ahh yes, Jaylen.  So, it is looking like his brain has either mirculously healed, which I believe is totally possible, or the physical therapy he receives is allowing his brain to remap enough for him to catch up developmentally.  Either way, he can now open his hands on his own and he's scooching around like a total and complete boss man.  They are keeping an eye on a few areas that are lagging, but I am seriously not worried because he continues to blow my mind time and again.

We are all learning sign language, which has finally given me a legitimate excuse to forbid speaking... because, ya know, we gotta practice and all.  The kids are picking it up super fast and, so am I.  Jaylen has even signed mama, thank uou and eat!!  Really we're all naturals, except Tom.  

Not really, I'm kidding, he's doing sooo great!

 At learning slow.

Jay gets his hearing aids on the 26th and we are all pumped to the max.  Lots of peeps have requested a video of his response to using them for the first time... and I am happy to oblige, but what some of you readers may not know, is what my speaking voice sounds like.  One taste of that, and you will understand why jaylen's video will probably include a lot of desperate clawing at his ears.  

Okay, back to the horrible virus... His poor baby rib cage is retracting and he's pertpetually raspy and gaspy and it just breaks your heart to see.  I teetered on wether or not bring him to the ER over the weekend, but I feel like I am wrong every. single. time.  Honestly, I bring them in, certain they have dysentery, and it's "just a simple heat rash."  Or, I keep them home and they "need a blood transfusion."  (These are actually both REAL EXAMPLES of how poor my judgement is.)  Needless to say, I didn't get it right this time.  When I got to the doctor's office their original plan was to TRANSPORT HIM TO THE HOSPITAL  via AMBULANCE!  This might have been my wrongest one. Well, maybe second wrongest.  (See "needed blood transfusions" above.)

Anyways, he's not quite out of the woods, but mama's not messing around now... In keeping with my tradition of over correction, if he so much as sneezes  I'm taking him in. 

Well, I don't even know if this counts as an update because I am certain it lacks any sort of flow, grammar, or proper punctuation... But whatevs.  My face is pee-free, and I did. not. quit.  In my house, we call that a victory y'all. 

Adventures of Unemplyment, part 2

First, I want to thank those of you who have reached out with support and encouragement regarding this new endeavor.  You shall be handsomely rewarded with more frequent exposure to the ridiculousness of my life.  So, congrats all around really.  

I guess I should start with a little family update.  We are about two months into The Adventures of Unemployment.  Tom has been faithful in applying to all sorts of jobs in several different fields.  His experience is largely in education, but his former position was administrative and he did a lot of training, some media, and plenty of "go between" helping regular people use and understand the IT side of a virtual charter school.  These are all skill that would fit nicely into a more corporate setting, which he is very open to.  Tom is gifted in the areas of organization and he often dreams of sitting alone in a room stuffed with floor-to-ceiling stacks of disheveled paper records.  He longs to take a room full of chaos and systematically create useful, digital archives.  So, pretty much my personal hell.  That's what he dreams of. 

I say all this in case his skill set would be a good fit where you are currently working, or in case you are a wealthy benefactor with a large, and very disorganized, forbidden library that could use Tom's touch. If so, that would be very Beauty and the Beast of you.  Which is weird but whatever... he can start Monday. 

This time has been challenging, but also positive in that it has been a very stretching time - which is always painful and usually productive.  God has used this time to deal with me on some pretty big things, particularly in the areas of trust, need vs. desire, and patience. 

Okay, okay... maybe rage and pride have come up too, on just the rarest occasion. But I'm doing my best.  The hardest part, honestly, has been watching Tom struggle against the lie that he is somehow "less" because he lost his job. It's hard for me to understand because I have seen so much "more" come out in him through this.  More character, more faith, more desire to complete the LEAST pressing home improvement projects in history, and... a little more sass, if I'm being completely honest. 

By request, ATATT will make a return appearance.  All Tom All The Time has been a beloved feature during our annual Tour de USA, and since this year's road trip was canceled in favor of the Adventures of Unemployment... It seems only fitting to give ATATT it's proper stage time.

I'll go more in-depth about Jaylen in my next post, but suffice it to say he is doing beautifully!  He's an absolute delight and we are seeing such significant improvements in his development that its actually kind of absurd.  It's not as absurd as the sense of urgency with which Tom weeded a non-visible area behind our shed, but we'll save the  home improvement stories for ATATT.  'Til then, lets comb those human resource departments and find this eager beaver a J to the O to the B! 

Nobody Quits the Easy Stuff

As I have shared before, I am a little bit of a quitter.  I don't just quit when it's cold, people... I quit in all kinds of weather.  I quit kind of a lot.  I once shared about how surprised I am that I haven't quit parenting yet. It's worth a read, I promise.  Spoiler alert - it involves blow drying a human butt.  London just asked me to "come clean up the dribble-squirts on the couch" so trust me when I tell you that my life hasn't gotten less strange since my blow drying days.

So, why am I bringing this up?  Well, I want to let you in on a little something that I am trying to do, and I am going to need some support because, well... I'm a quitter.  I truly want to succeed at this little something, and I maybe need some support and accountability or else  I will feel dumb and afraid of failing and I will quit  I might lose a little steam.  So, I am going to tell you what I am trying to do, and I need people to  slap  encourage me if I quit.  I know what you're probably thinking, "you're a big girl, do you really need other people to keep you from quitting?"

The answer is "Yes." And also "shut up."

So here goes nothing... I am going to commit to blogging every other day or so, with a very specific purpose in mind.  I have asked Miss N (my youngest son's birthmom) if she would like to work together to write a book about open-adoption, and I am thrilled to say that she heartily accepted!  I have been gathering questions about adoption, race, parenting, marriage, life and faith from lots and lots of readers, and this will give me a jump start on what I will be writing about between now and October, which is when I will start the second annual 31 Days of Kindness.  We will be using some of these questions to guide us in working together on a book.  I have received questions some really hard questions, like, "Do you love your biological children the same amount as your adopted children?" and "Do you think there are certain people who should not adopt?"  I promise to answer each and every question that I have received... so stay tuned!

One thing I am particularly excited to announce is that Miss N will be making an appearance on the blog doing a guest-post!!  So... if there are questions you have about her perspective on adoption, race, parenting, marriage and faith, please let me know!  She is eager to get started and is also gathering questions in the same way that I have been.

A huge part of me feels silly and embarrassed for even writing this, but I am starting to recognize that "that huge part of me" is a fear-driven, people-pleasing egomaniac that is afraid of failing or being judged.  But, the thing I fear most is wasting an opportunity to do something amazing.  I don't want to be driven by fear, but by faith.  I don't want to be people-pleasing but, rather, God-honoring.  And I don't want to worry about being judged, instead I want to judge others. Kidding, kidding... What I really want is to just not quit.  Because one thing worse than failing, is never having done anything big, or important, or challenging enough to make quitting a temptation.

When You Don't Have a Boss, You Still Belong to Someone

The sermon at church today was actually entitled  "When Your Boss is a Jerk."  It was a great sermon, and I love learning how to have a biblical perspective on everything, including a jerky boss... but for the first time in almost ten years of marriage, Tom and I looked at each other and realized that neither of us really have a boss anymore.

On Monday, we found out that Tom has lost his job.

In my last post I mentioned that his school was cutting back, and we knew there was some risk that he would be laid off... but, I honestly did not think he would be.  Tom has worked (very hard) for nine years at the same job, regularly moving up the ladder and taking on more responsibility, often for no increase in pay.  He has always received excellent feedback on his evaluations, maintained great work relationships and was in the process of making plans for next year with one of his superiors.  So, we were feeling pretty secure.  Until Monday.

Because Tom works from home, we have slowly been hit with different realities about how this job loss will effect us.  Here are just some...

• We lose our sole income.  While I have always tried to do a little something part-time, I do not work outside the home for a number of reasons.  The biggest being that I genuinely love being home with them, and we decided early on that if there was any possible way for us to live on one income so that I could be home with them full-time, we would do it.  Logistically, it makes sense for me to be home since I would have to make so much money in order to pay for childcare for five kids... and what's the point in making a ton of money, just to end up giving it to someone else for taking care of my kids when I can just take care of them (and love it) for free.  I don't really have any skills that are marketable enough to expect to earn money to cover childcare, let alone to earn more than that.  I would consider a temporary gig, if it were sayyyy... going on tour with inspirational speakers or something.  But even that, I would only consider it if I didn't have to try to guilt women into buying diet pills, because the last time I went to an inspirational conference-type-thing for women, all the speakers were pressuring women to buy these diet pills and I vowed never to attend something like that again.  But, I guess under the circumstances I might consider being a pill pushin' inspiration.... but only because it's short-term. 
• We lose all the home-based work benefits.  Our home phone, Tom's cell phone, our internet, computer, printer, fax machine, a portion of our mortgage and utilities are all considered work expenses because he has worked from home.  We will have to return those things that we have been using for years, and searching for a new job without a phone, computer and/or internet is not exactly possible... so despite this being a time where we will certainly have to cut out all extra expenses, we actually have to start some paying new bills.  The good news is that I have my tippy-tappy (which is what I have named my computer) and I am a very good sharer.  I think that Tom is really excited about doing his job search on my laptop the size of a postage stamp.  Probably the most depressing moment when Tom got laid off is that they called him on his work cell, which is a Blackberry from the 1800's, and when he hung up, the "s" key fell off his phone and rolled down his leg.  At least he isn't sending a good phone back... if they want the very first cellular device ever created, then they can have it.
• We have to find a new job.  I know this is obvious.  I'm still processing, okay.  Finding a new job is a really big undertaking, especially if we want to support a family of SEVEN.  This means we have to make connections, ya know, network.  We gotta be shakin' hands and chit-chattin' around.  This feels really savvy and grown up, and I don't know if Tom will ever be the kind of guy who "just wants to get his name out there" which I am perfectly fine with because guys like that usually annoy me.  But, right now, we gotta get his name out there.  So, for anyone with any connections... his name is Tom, and we'd really like to get that right out there as quickly as possible.
• I have to be an extra good wife.  Don't get me wrong, I should always be a good wife... but when your man loses his job, there is this extra pressure to be super supportive and wonderful.  I don't even know what this "wonderful" is that they speak of, but according to many Google searches, I think I'm doing okay with "supporting my spouse during the ups and downs of unemployment."  I'm pretty sure there is a lot of patting involved, and I am very committed to patting as often as possible.  
• We have to live out all the stuff I write about on here. (Insert dry heaving.)  We have had a rough year, and I have come from some rough stuff even before this year and I have been very open about my struggles on this blog.  So, it comes as no surprise to regular readers when I say that we love Jesus.  I have openly shared our belief in Jesus and I have even shared my UNBELIEF during some really dark moments. (Like, remember that time when London was in the hospital and I said that I would probably turn to street drugs if anything happened to her?  Ya know, low points like that.)  I try to be honest and real about my struggling through this life, while trying to cling to faith in a God who promises to know and see and care.  One thing I took from today's sermon was about resisting the temptation to find our identity in our work.  I realized that our identity, and our security, comes from our Father, so it is not about what job Tom gets, or even about what job I may end up doing for a while... it's not about what we DO that provides for us, but who we BELONG to.  The reality is that if I really believe that God is my father and my provider and I am his daughter... then I have a big, fat inheritance waiting for me.  And if I believed that to be true, then I wouldn't be so worried about what this life looks like right?  Right.  The truth is that I just don't know what faith actually looks like in this situation, but I am gonna Google that too, and I am going to fight really hard to live out all the stuff I write about on here.  

So there you have it.  We are beginning the adventures of unemployment.  I am hoping that this is a very brief journey and that something will come through for us quicker than we expect and that it is such a perfect fit for Tom and our family that it blows our minds.  In the meantime, please pray for us as we make all the necessary changes and sacrifices that need to be made, and that the kids will learn valuable lessons during this time.  (Annalee already suggested we make feedsack dresses and sell eggs like they did during the great depression.)  Please pray that it never comes to that, and also pray for Tom, that he never doubts his competence or his ability to provide for his family, that he would know how proud we are of him and how much we respect and appreciate all of the years he has worked so hard to provide for us.  Pray also for my inexplicable urge to smash my neighbors car windows with a shovel.  I suspect there is a little displaced anger happening in that situation, but I can't exactly say for sure.  Finally, please pray that you will hire Tom.  Thank you and God speed. 

Moving Forward

Sometimes there is so much happening in my life at one time, that I give my blog the cold shoulder.  It's like hitting "ignore" when a long distance friend calls... not because you don't want to talk to her, but because you can't possibly talk to her until you have two solid hours to actually fill each other in on everything going on.

So, here we are, more than a month since my last post, and a lot has gone down.

First and foremost, I want to thank all of you who offered prayers and condolences while Grandpa Anderson (or Papa as he is known by our kids) has suffered from pancreatic cancer, been in hospice and finally, went home to be with his own Papa in heaven.  We felt loved and supported by so many who prayed for our family and came to his funeral to celebrate his life alongside our family.  It has been a long few months watching Papa change into a shadow of himself, but up to the very end he made sure that all the kids had plenty of love, hugs, laughs and treats from Papa's candy bin.



Grandpa's diagnosis came shortly after we brought Jaylen home, so the whole family has been living this parallel life... going from appointment to appointment, test result to test result, and admittedly, from worry to worry.  It has been a very challenging season for all of us.

As far as Jaylen's health is concerned, I am so happy to report that he is doing wonderfully.  He is still considered developmentally delayed, but he is doing exponentially better than he was.  The unresolved issues that he seems to be facing are not at all detectable to an untrained eye.  His muscle tone is still more rigid than it should be, and the default position for his thumbs remains that they are typically indwelling, or sort of tucked in more than they should be.  Both of these things have improved considerably over the past couple of weeks, though, so I am rejoicing in each developmental step that he reaches.  He is rolling over, and holding his chest off the floor, and even seems very close to creeping and crawling soon.... I guess having rigid muscles isn't all bad.  (I've been working very hard to get a little rigidity to my tone, but that isn't working out as well.)

On the hearing front, Jaylen seems to be in the same place.  He is still not responding as a hearing child would, but not entirely as if he were profoundly deaf either.  After wanting a second opinion, and receiving mixed reviews about the results of his Audio Brainstem Response test, the audiologist has decided to repeat the test, hoping for more accuracy now that he is a little older.  That will be in July, the same week that he will have his brain MRI.  Hopefully the two results combined will give us a clear picture of his neurodevelopment as well as the status on his hearing.  In the meantime, the county is sending a physical therapist and a T.O.D. (teacher of the deaf) to the house once a week.  This will help equip us in learning sign language if we need to, as well as give us tools for teaching Jaylen how to communicate.

As if all this weren't enough to keep our minds perpetually occupied, we have also learned that Tom's job situation is a little shaky.  The school he works for has been forced to make a lot of cuts, and we are  waiting for the ax  trusting that the Lord will provide for all our needs and are  absolutely terrified  excited to see what He has in store for us.

The best news that I've got going for me is that Jaylen is doing much better, and he is seriously cuter than all the other babies on planet earth.  Because he is improving, my average of 3-4 appointments/week is now down to maybe 1 per week... which is much better.  Additionally, we finally received a Medicaid number for Jaylen, so the medical bills that are piling up (literally, not figuratively - they are in an actual pile) should all be retroactively paid.  The last time I felt this relieved was when I finally wiggled myself out of a dress that I had stuffed myself into and got stuck in at Marshall's.  Sweet, sweet relief.

In other news, I turned 32 which means I am two years into my mission of becoming fabulous in my 30's.  I have plenty of time left people, so don't panic.  I will be fabulous in the next 8 years.  And then I will buy bedroom furniture... obviously.  I re-read a post that I wrote exactly one year ago today... it was shocking how much has changed, and in some ways, how little.  I feel like I am in a constant state of two steps forward and one step back, and for a long time I settled for that because "Hey! That's progress."  But, I am learning to take those steps back a lot more seriously because they are usually steps caused by self-deception, or laziness, or excuses, or compromise or just plain sin.  I have new standards, where I no longer tolerate myself blatantly taking a step backwards, because life is one slippery slope and this girl just doesn't have enough traction under me where I can afford to excuse even the smallest amount of backsliding.

So there you have it... I haven't come too far in the past two years, but I still care, so that's something.  It's been a big year for our family, hard and good and heartbreaking and beautiful.  We have grown as a family, both in numbers and in faith, and we have learned an unbelievable amount about how God truly does provide.  This past year he has provided us with the strength to move through the first failed adoption, and then provide us with the perfect child for our family.  He has provided us with a group of new and developing friendships, and He has provided for us in so many ways through our friends and church family.  He has provided us with a strong family support who has helped us this past year in more ways that we could describe.

I think that His provision over the past year has proved that He is worth trusting, even during the uncertainty we are facing now with Tom's job.  I think He is worth trusting, and He is definitely worth honoring with as many struggling steps forward as I can possibly muster.  I don't care how small or pathetic they are, as long as I am always moving forward.  After the year we've had, I can't think of anything worse than letting myself go backwards, or God forbid, stop moving altogether.

 In Loving Memory...

Hearing

Today we had Jaylen's ABR test (audio brainstem response) which is a natural sleep test that took about 3 hours to complete. We were not surprised to discover that Jaylen is, in fact, hearing impaired. The bottom line is that Jaylen has mild/moderate hearing loss in both ears and will be fitted for his first pair of hearing aids in June.

We were very surprised to learn that his hearing loss was not considered more profound, since he rarely (if ever) responds to any sound, even very loud noises close to his ears. What is difficult about this is that he SHOULD technically be able to hear conversational speech, but is not responding to it. At this point, this means that the concern is less about his ears now and more about the brain. Basically hearing aids should make the full spectrum of sound available to him, but that won't necessarily mean he can process/receive sound properly. The audiologist confirmed that the hearing loss was likely caused by gentamicin poisoning (toxic levels of the antibiotics he was given at birth.)

We are still processing this new information since, as I already said, we can clap or shout right next to Jaylen's ears, and he usually won't even blink. We are also trying to wrap our minds around what it means to receive sound, but not be able to respond to it. This new discovery puts significantly more stock into the brain MRI. We were originally undecided about whether or not we were going to do pursue that test,the but after today, I would have them to the MRI tomorrow if they would let us.

Without a good look at his brain, there is no way of knowing what is causing the disconnect between receiving some sound and his ability to startle when appropriate, or turn toward a loud sound or voice.

I am exhausted and confused. I had prepared myself for the "worst case scenario" and was feeling excited about
moving forward with some answers and a plan, no matter what the diagnosis was. I felt confident that we would be able to work with any challenges that we faced, and that there were going to be awesome and exciting things that we wouldn't get to experience with a hearing child. I felt prepared to tackle the challenges and move in a clear direction. The only thing I was really unwilling to tolerate was more unknowns... Surprise! We know less now than when we started. Well, it feels that way at least.

The good news is that none of this surprises the One who created Jaylen. Each of Jay's days has been written out since the beginning of time, so I am praising the Lord that He is neither shocked by this (nor as irritated) as I am. For anyone willing to fall on your faces in prayer, we would ask that you pray specifically for quick answers. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking God to do a miracle... I'll take one for sure! More than anything though, I am asking God for provision no matter what his health situation is. I don't ever want anyone to think that God failed if He doesn't choose to make Jaylen hear or process sound the way you and I do. Perhaps the true miracle would be loving him just the way he is and enjoying all that he will teach us through the way HE hears and processes.

That being said, I am praying for sheer speed in receiving answers. I can take whatever they tell us. God will provide all the Jaylen (and we) need. I can let God stretch me, and I can trust that He loves Jay even more than we do. But Mama needs some fast answers, because I can do a lot of things, but waitin' ain't one.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

My apologies to those of you who have been begging me for an update on Jaylen's health.  I have ignored almost all of you, and for that I really am sorry.  I am tired.  I am parenting so many people.  I am swamped with doctor's appointments, housework, normal parenting issues, adjusting to life with five, backed up work from my business, major life changes in more areas than I could even share, and just a pinch of clinical depression.

Don't get me wrong, I am loving life with my sweet baby #5, and everyone is adjusting beautifully... but, it has been such a hard season for us.  Tom's grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just days after we brought Jaylen home, so all things normal have been flipped upside down as we process both this new baby person entering our family, at the same time a beloved elder is preparing to leave it.  It has been so sad, and so hard to watch the family grieve and cope and care for him.  I am proud to have married into such a remarkable family, though, and the love and joy they show to one another is rare to say the least.  We have been treasuring any time we have with Papa, and the kids in particular are slowly processing what this all means.

I am more than overdue for an update on Jaylen's health, so I will briefly tell you what I know... which isn't much.  At this point, the neurologist and audiologist believe that the type and amount of antibiotics that Jaylen was given in the NICU are what caused Jaylen's hearing loss.  They also suspect that the level was toxic enough to also cause enough damage to his brain to cause developmental delays.  We do not know how extensive his hearing loss is, or the neurological concerns for that matter.  The next steps for the hearing will be at the end of this month, and the results of that will determine if/when the neurologist will put Jaylen under anesthesia for a full brain MRI.

So, it's not awesome.

This week, we have the cardiologist, a speech therapist and a physical therapist appointment.  The two latter are early intervention evaluations provided through the county.  I am thankful that we have so many free resources available to us through the county, especially since our insurance is committed to a staunch denial of payment for any and all services that cost more than a buck fifty.  (Okay, it's not that bad, but, if everyone who worked for that insurance company was moderately tortured, I wouldn't speak up for the first few days or so... I'm just saying.)

Apart from that, I am trying to adjust to all the major changes in my life.  Friendships, family dynamics, support network, etc... everything is under construction, and my neurons have responded by trying to convince me that the answer lies somewhere at the bottom of a can of sweetened condensed milk and an episode of Grey's Anatomy.  I can tell you  from  personal experience  an ancient Chinese proverb, that that is a lie from the pit of hell and neither ridiculously sweet milk, nor really bad TV will make you less depressed.

Jaylen has been sleeping through the night regularly, so I am getting back on my early morning routine, which is much more conducive to glorifying God and anti-depression than the aforementioned game plan.  These early mornings consist of a 4:45am wake up time, going to Planet Fitness to work out and get back home in time to shower and do my Bible study before the kids get up at 7:00am for school.  By the time the kids are starting school, I have been awake for five hours.  It's total insanity, but it makes me way less insane in the long run.  And if all goes well with my workouts, my butt will move back up to where it used to be.  I figure an inch a month is a reasonable goal... so, I am looking forward to a normally placed fanny by Christmas of 2014.  If I am successful, I am going to send detailed results in one of those Christmas newsletters that highlights family accomplishments.  So, we can all be looking forward to that.

This season has, obviously, been very challenging and apart from Christ, I would be hopeless and unable to get out of bed every day. Apart from my faith in Christ, I would be overwhelmed with suffering and I would probably be a bitter, hunchbacked lady swearing at people in the grocery store.  Apart from Christ, seasons like this would simply do me in.  But, the reality is that I never have to live or breathe one breath apart from Christ... which is such good news indeed.  I know I have a loooooong way to go in maturing and understanding who this Jesus person was and is, and what his life and death and (most importantly) his rising mean to me, but I know one thing for sure... I am helpless to do my story apart from His.

Can I get a witness.