Day 13: Privilege.

My blog posts are officially a day behind, so if you haven’t caught up on all the blogs… don’t feel too bad. I mean, feel a little bad, but just enough to go back and get all caught up. For Day 13 I was a guest speaker at Monroe Community College. I was asked to organize a diversity training for the student leaders of a group called Campus Ambassadors. The training will take place over the course of a few weeks, but my favorite place to start is with a privilege walk.

I think that this eye-opening experience should be required in schools. There are a number of ways that these privilege walks are done, but here is how I do it: I have all the participants stand next to one another, holding hands, in a straight line. I read aloud a series of prompts, such as:

-If your parents were married for the majority of your childhood, step forward.

-If your grandparents owned property, take a step forward.

-If you can freely travel the world without fear of sexual assault, step forward.

-If you were brought into this country illegally as a minor take a step back.

-If you had more than 50 books in your home growing up, step forward.

-If you regularly rely on public transportation, step back.

-If you ever participated in an activity that required a participation fee, step forward.

-If you grew up assuming you would attend college, step forward.

-If you can easily and reliably find hair and skin care products for your ethnicity and skin color (at an affordable price), step forward.

These are just some examples of questions that I ask. I do not allow participants to speak during the exercise because I think that the most common reaction to becoming aware of our privilege is to explain it away. When participants are taking steps forward while their peers/colleagues/friends are taking steps back, they eventually have to release hands. In that moment when you realize that your privilege has benefited you in a way that others have not experienced, it's normal to feel guilty and want to explain it away. We want to say “Sure, I went to a well-funded school but that doesn’t mean it was easy for me! I still had to work really hard. Should I feel guilty that I happened to go to a good school?”

No. You shouldn’t. That’s not the point of the privilege walk. The goal isn’t to make the people who are really far out in front (almost always the white males) feel guilty. The goal is to make everyone more aware. So, I ask people to remain silent and aware. This time, I asked one of the white guys to volunteer to try walking in someone else’s shoes. I had him respond to each question in the opposite way than he would in his real life. So, for example, when I said to “take a step forward if you grew up with fresh fruits and vegetables available on a daily basis” he would not step forward if that was true in his real life. Answering the opposite of his reality allowed him to experience a very different perspective than if he answered these questions as a white man who came from generational wealth opposed to minority woman experiencing generational poverty.  

This volunteer was so far behind the rest of the group there was a point that he could no longer hear the questions I was asking. He was leaning forward, cupping his ear, straining to hear the next prompt. If that isn’t a powerful picture of privilege… I honestly don’t know what is. People want to deny that white privilege exists, but to me, that is it in a nutshell. That by no fault of his/her own, a person’s inherited circumstances can put him/her at a significant disadvantage. Comparatively, some of us have unearned privileges that put us at an advantage.

What I like about this visual image is that it shows that privilege is not just racial – it’s also about socioeconomics, class, gender, religion, culture and physical/mental health. Can you imagine answering this series of questions that have nothing to do with a person’s personal choices, work ethic, values, etc. and telling the kid who is a dozen yards behind everyone else to pull himself up by his bootstraps? Can you imagine saying “Hey, I know you can’t hear the questions anymore because you are so far back in your circumstance that you no longer have access to all the tools, information and resources that are readily available to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t work hard. You just need to work harder!”

No, you wouldn’t say that. Because you aren’t an enormous dirtbag. Still, that’s what a lot of us do in real life. We talk about equal opportunity, but we don’t talk a lot about equity. Yes, we all have equal opportunities… but those of us that are really privileged are standing a couple feet from opportunity while others start off life a half mile back.

My brother Adam won a Martin Luther King Jr. essay contest while he was in high school. His essay was about racism and cultural appropriation. This was the early 90’s by the way. Let that sink in a minute. The stuff we are all in a huff about right now in America – kneeling during the anthem, exploiting black culture via cultural appropriation, implicit bias, racial and social injustice… these were things that my brother – a privileged 17-year-old white kid from the suburbs – was intentional about exploring and understanding. Not only was he aware of his privilege, he leveraged his power, privilege and influence to educate and inspire others to think differently.

I know that discussing our privilege is uncomfortable. I know that I will get really hurtful and even hateful messages from some of you about this topic. But I also know that I will keep talking about it anyways. Because as hard as it is to ask people to become aware and to think differently, it is also right. Not because it is what my brother did, even though I think it’s pretty bad to the bone that he did in fact live this way. But I will do it because it’s what Jesus did. Loving people beyond reason, seeing beyond wealth and beauty into the heart... that is what Jesus did. It’s who he is, and it’s who I am called to be. So for Day 13, I asked people to examine their own circumstances and imagine the circumstances of others. I encouraged them to be willing to lay down their privilege in an effort to create equity for a friend.

Day 12: Man cannot live on acorns alone

Well guys, we are a little more than 1/3 of the way through the month and I have arrived at the phase of October where I am exhausted. My little empath heart starts to fill up and crack open from all the heavy losses that so many of you give me the honor of carrying with you. I feel for you and with you, and like you, I get tired and weepy. I start to think how much better this would all be if Adam were still here and able to spend his life doing these acts of kindness himself.  I get worn down, but all your beautiful messages and seeing your creative #AdamsActs keep me so encouraged. I love it all so much and I am truly overwhelmed by the involvement and how it grows each and every year.

Admittedly though, I start to really stretch things at this point in order to consider them acts of kindness... like "I didn't ram the loud-talking lady with my grocery cart" and "I cleaned up the vomit with a happy attitude" or " I didn't call 911 to report the lady texting while driving even though I assured her (loudly and aggressively out the car window) that I would." 

See. These are really not kindnesses as much as they are very basic acts of self-restraint. And not even an impressive amount of self-restraint. Around the mid-way point in October I get to the point where I am just not being violent with anyone and am really proud of myself about that. It's super pathetic and quite embarrassing to admit this when I am sort of manning an international kindness movement. 

Still, for Day 12 I have stretched a number of things to the point that it feels like today was a success. For starters, I went grocery shopping for my family. I know, I know... that is more like a responsibility than a kindness BUT I have discovered that if you neglect your responsibilities (like laundry and grocery shopping) for unconscionable lengths of time, people start to celebrate as if this is an achievement. Aside from general busyness, I am also trying to stretch the grocery cycle to save some money. Basically, I have not bought groceries for my family since 1986 and the children have survived on acorns they’ve been harvesting from the neighbor’s yard.

I realized it was time to finally go get some essentials when I legitimately could not pack my daughter’s lunch. I was able to scrap together stuff for the other kids, but my 2nd grader London has Celiac and Hashimoto’s disease and is completely gluten-free. I realized we were in a dire situation when I could only send gluten in her lunch. And I don’t mean I would be packing food items that contained gluten, I mean that I would be packing actual gluten pellets and baggies filled with gluten dust.

Okay, so I still don’t fully understand what gluten technically is, but I know that my daughter can’t have it or she gets all sick and thyroidy. So, I finally went grocery shopping and for my second act of kindness, I decided to hand-deliver London her dream (gluten-free) lunch: a cobb salad. Because apparently my 7-year-old is actually a 45-year-old lady who’s cheating on weight watchers. She was thrilled.

In addition to the grocery shopping achievement (which included a candy bar and compliments to the cashier) and the special lunch, I spent the day working at the house we are trying to sell. Every day that I spend over there getting things cleaned, painted, repaired, etc. is one less day that Tom has to be there. He is pretty consistently going from his regular job directly to the house, working ‘til midnight or later. The children are acting like he’s one of those guys on Dr. Phil who has a secret second family on the side. Except his mistress is a tub of drywall mud. It’s all very scandalous and romantic.

In the evening, Tom and I were on a panel discussion at our church on foster care and adoption. We are passionate about advocating for open-adoption and supporting families who are providing temporary or permanent love and care for children in need. Even though it is an honor and a joy to be included in this, we are counting all the things as kindnesses because we are tired from a long week. 

And for my final act of kindness on Day 12, I lied to my friend Lexi about remembering a commitment that in reality I completely forgot about. I did this out of the goodness of my heart to keep her calm. See! If you’re a really desperate lowlife, you too can stretch almost anything into a kindness!

In total seriousness, I'm stretching simple, everyday things into kindness because I, myself, am feeling pretty stretched. I went into this month quite worn down from putting so much work into my little e-book (which is still available for $1.99 HERE) and also from having pneumonia. At the end of the day I still have an incessant cough, five kids, a house to fix up and sell and a world of grief sitting on my mind. So perhaps my real #AdamsActs for yesterday would be having a little self-compassion. I am learning (slowly) that nobody is ever as hard on me as I am on myself. Nobody is as concerned with what I am doing or not doing, as me. Nobody is as disgustingly aware of my flaws and failures as I am.

Well, except Jesus. He knows it all and I have discovered that he is much easier to please than people. Myself included. So, for Day 12, I am going to bask in his grace and generosity and I am going to ask you to count it all as kindness.

Day 11: Being Unshockable

Okay Frank Fans, we have MADE CONTACT! If you have no idea what I'm talking about then you need to go back and watch THIS. Tonight we finally got ahold of Frank on the phone. He and his wife and daughter are coming over for dinner (and the cake presentation ceremony) on October 27!!! I will do everything in my power to force Tom and Frank to let me make a video so you can see their reunion. Frank was genuinely touched that Tom remembered those things so many years later... and he said it didn't hurt to get some brownie points with this wife. #yourewelcomefrank

For Day 11, I treated this cutie and her mama to lunch. (Okay, maybe not her... she treated herself to throwing cheerios and sugar packets.)

I spent time with her and later, another friend who are navigating the ups and downs of foster care/adoption. We spent hours talking through issues with attachment, openness with first parents, and how to help siblings cope with changes to the family dynamics. I certainly don't have all the answers, nor am I an expert on the topic, but I have spent countless hours researching different approaches to loving a traumatized child. I have tried everything under the sun to help my son heal the wounds of a severed attachment and I am pretty sure I have logged enough hours with my son's attachment therapist to count as an intern.

A few years ago, our friends Brandi and Danny helped us create this video that would explain to people what our family was experiencing. It is strange to watch it now because we have come so far as a family. Most of our days are still hard, but they aren't like they used to be. During those really intense years, I felt like there wasn't a single person who could understand what we were going through. I prayed for just one person who had gone through it before us with any measure of success. I longed for someone to be unshockable. Someone who had answers and tools and parenting tips that actually applied to my life. Someone who would say "here's how to get urine out of the heating vent." or "I have a potion that will magically unbleach all your clothes." 

There was no such person for me. Partly because I was afraid of opening myself up to the inevitable judgement (we were often bombarded with advice that really missed the mark) and partly because people didn't even know that Reactive Attachment Disorder was a thing until recent years. There weren't many parents who walked this road before us (at least not with tools) and that kept me feeling isolated and lost. Today, I got to be the lady who walked the road first. I got to pass along the tips and approaches that worked for us. I got to encourage and reassure and remind them that however they're feeling is normal in our little abnormal world of trauma and detachment. I was unshockable. 

This may not seem like much, but I got to be the experienced mom that I prayed would come into my life years ago. As I was leaving this discussion I realized that God has taken every last thing I have learned through this process and he has made it useful. He has taken our hard days, months, years... and with them has worn a path for other families who are a few steps behind us in this journey. During the worst of it, I begged that God would equip me to be the mom Harper needed. I think I can finally say that - at least for today - I felt like I was.

Day 9 & 10: Look for the Helpers

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’”

— Mr. Rogers

My two oldest daughters, Annalee (13) and Marlie (12) left Friday to go to the Adirondacks for a long weekend retreat with their youth group. Being 12 and 13 isn't easy. In a world where junior high girls are told that "real women have curves" and they must also have a "thigh gap" it is no wonder that girls in junior high can feel unstable! Society is a fickle turd, and the pressure that our kids face every day is overwhelming. They are supposed to fit in, but also be completely unique... go against the flow, but in a way that's charming and adorable, without being weird or acting like you care. Definitely don't act like you care! But, I mean... care enough to take a perfect selfie or else you're a total piece of garbage, but make sure the selfie looks like you didn't try. It'll take at least an hour to get a good, effortless selfie. You can have fat, but it has to be miraculously located in the right places so that you are curvy. If you have fat in the wrong place, starve yourself. Unless that makes your boobs small. It's better to be a little fat than to lose your boobs altogether. It's best to look like you have no makeup on, so get really good at makeup because it will take at least an hour of applying makeup to look like you aren't wearing any makeup. Also, your eyebrows should be somehow square at the edges. By the time you get good at giving yourself square eyebrows, that will be the dumbest thing you could possibly do and you will have to learn to make your eyebrows a hexagon or something. And eyebrows shouldn't ever under any circumstances look like they are made of actual hair, they should look like they were airbrushed on using a Kardashian eyebrow-shaped stencil. Also, just say no to pale skin, orrrr dark skin. You have to be mocha - regardless of your genetics, this is a non-negotiable. Also, play soccer from the time you are a fetus or you will not have a chance in the 7th grade. By then, players are practically in retirement. So 1) be born, and 2) start a sport immediately or you're a loser. 

That's a small taste of the pressure and unrealistic expectations that our kids face every day... and that's just the girls! There are academic pressures, social pressures, familial expectations, societal and cultural messages... it's an intense and scary world out there. Like Mr. Rogers, our kids need to look for the helpers. Days 9 & 10 were all about thanking the people who are there to help kids in junior high as they navigate life.

We brought Panera gift cards to the six youth leaders who spent the most time with my girls this weekend on the retreat.

I also bought some flowers and candy for a friend who took the time to step away with one of my girls when she was feeling down. It's not easy to send my precious newborn babies away for a whole weekend, but it helps knowing that they have good friends to listen, love and encourage them when they need it most. 

Bonus Update: We have located Frank - the hero of Tom's childhood misfortunes as told in THIS VIDEO! Tom has been working around the clock at his regular job, and on a house we need to repair and sell as quickly as possible so we have not met with him yet but we look forward to connecting with Frank and will keep you all posted! 

Day 8: Loving & Losing Imperfect People

My kindnesses for Day 8 are my least favorite. Today, I grieved alongside sisters that lost their brother and parents who lost their son. This was not the first funeral service I have sat through for someone whose life ended as a result of a drug overdose, nor was this our first family member to die as a result of drug addiction. On both sides of the family Tom and I have family members who battle drug or alcohol addiction, and today we said goodbye to Tom's cousin who died as a result of an intentional overdose.

For Day 8, the kids wrote letters to someone we love who is battling addiction and I spent time connecting with her. I reminded her that she is loved, that she is stronger than she realizes, and that she is not alone.

My brother's death was a tragedy. But, in a lot of ways my family is very fortunate. We can freely talk about what happened to Adam and (generally) there is no judgement, no shame, no assumptions about Adam's character. This is a luxury that many families do not know. Oftentimes, when people lose their loved ones as a result of a drug overdose or suicide, there is a cloud of shame that lingers over the surviving family members. The stigma surrounding the circumstances of these deaths often leads to secrecy and self-blame.

For my last act of kindness on Day 8, I want to de-stigmatize the topic of suicide and overdose so that survivors of suicide loss can grieve freely and openly, without shame. No matter how your loved one dies, it is painful and real and complex. Your loss is as valid as mine, your loved one was as loved as mine, your imperfect person was as special to you as my imperfect person was to me. And you are not alone.

Suicide and intentional/unintentional opioid overdoses are on the rise. There are lots of signs and symptoms to look out for and ways you can support an addict in your life. If you have already lost a loved one to suicide, mental health problems, or addiction there is a lot of online support out there. I guess I just want to free up anyone who might feel like they need permission to grieve just as fiercely and publicly as anyone else. Regardless of a persons' imperfect choices or circumstances of their death, each and every loss is profound. After all, there isn't anyone among us apart from God who has ever lost a perfect child.

Day 7: Videoblog featuring Tom's 2nd grade stories

We are one week in and #AdamsActs is on a mission to find and reward the unexpected kindness of Tom's long lost classmate. Please help us in FINDING FRANK! 

AdamsActs is on a mission to reward the kindness of Tom's long lost classmate.

Days 5 & 6: Sugar is All the Food Groups

When my sister BethAnn and I were little, one of our older siblings, Kristin or Adam would babysit us. When they did, they would serve one meal and one meal only. They would make an entire pan of brown sugar toast. What is brown sugar toast you ask? Well, first of all, it's perfection. Second of all, it's America's health crisis on a plate. In honor of Adam, I introduced my friends Lexi and Ben to a world where baking a thick layer of butter and brown sugar on an english muffin makes sense. And as part of my #AdamsActs for all of you, I now present:

Recipe For Brown Sugar Toast (or English Muffin)
1) Lightly toast the bread product of your choice. It doesn't really matter what you choose, the bread is just a vehicle to move that sugar into your person. If you make this correctly you won't know there is bread involved.
2) Heavily butter lightly toasted sugar transporter.
3) Add a hearty layer of brown sugar.
4) Nope, that's a reasonable amount. You'll need more.
5) Return to toaster oven or broiller until brown sugar goes through the melting phase and emerges as a hardened sugar crust.

Voila! Diabetes!
Source: Maybe my mom? I don't know. She should probably get the credit and/or be mom-shamed for allowing this to take place in her home.

In addition to this horrifying yet delicious breakfast, I also brought some homemade corn chowder to my friend Heather. She has had sick kiddos for a few days and her husband Josh is being all self-disciplined and only eating locusts and honey or something like that so I figured that Heather needed something warm, comforting and most importantly... made by someone else. Josh and Heather are a foster family and when I think of people who are on the front lines of loving people like Jesus, it's definitely them. You can learn more about their life HERE on their blog - which is insightful and encouraging and challenging at the same time. 

When you have kids that come from hard places, you measure "good days" very differently than most people. I know this from personal experience. Being a mom of a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (which I share about HERE), there was a long time that "a good day" for us meant that mommy didn't get any fresh injuries. So, when Heather and her adorable children have good days - I really want to celebrate with them. When they have bad days, I want to be an encouragement because I know what hard days can look like in the world of foster care and adoption. And when they have the stomach flu, I really want to stay far, far away. But also send soup. 

I spent all day doing hair and makeup for 7 people in a wedding this evening, including the beautiful bride to whom I gave a discount for Day 6 of #AdamsActs. I also bought some materials for something I have planned for another day, but you'll just have to wait on that one. 

I have been on the receiving end of #AdamsActs this week as well. One follower mailed me a life changing pie from Georgia. It was like Adam's brown sugar toast crust made it's way onto a pie. Yes please. Hundreds of you have supported me by purchasing my devotional - which makes me ugly cry myself to sleep out of gratitude and affection for all of you. My friend Melissa came in from NYC and gathered her friends Jess and Peter, and cousin Tori, and forced them into manual labor at our old house that we need to sell like yesterday. My friends covered all the food groups: Nan brought my family donuts, Courtney brought us cookies, Lisa brought gluten-free cookies for London (my little celiac/hashimoto's baby.) Cheesecake from Danielle. Lexi and my mother-in-law Cindy tag teamed watching my five kids today so I could work the wedding. Cindy made me eggs. Lexi lent me this computer I am typing on because Tom was out of town presenting at a nerd conference... eh hem, I mean a technology conference and he had to take our only computer with him.

While he was away, I received my favorite act of kindness this week. This photo of my husband doing a presentation on team approaches to online nerd development... eh hem, I mean course development. In the middle of his presentation he shamelessly plugs #AdamsActs!! That's my man! 

Day 4: In Defense of Living

I found out in the middle of the night that Adam had been shot.

My grandma was in town visiting from the Detroit area and when she came to visit she often slept in my bed with me. I loved it because we would talk and say our bedtime prayers together and then she would gently tickle my back to help me fall asleep. The night Adam was shot, I can clearly remember her waking me saying, "I need a prayer partner." 

There was so much confusion and misinformation before we learned what actually happened that night, but in those early hours we mistakenly believed that Adam was shot by a police officer while toilet-papering a house. When my grandma woke me up to pray, I remember walking through my house looking for some sort of clue about what was happening. I remember walking into my mom's bedroom, knowing she wasn't there, and seeing her deodorant and toothbrush in the middle of her bed. There was no cap on the deodorant, that was on the floor. 

It was that small detail that caused the first bit of panic to clutch inside my chest. That image of my mom in a frenzied rush, washing up so she could fly out the door to get to the hospital, plays in my mind like a movie to this day. I picture her just throwing her toothbrush down, realizing in that moment that nothing else mattered, grabbing a sweatshirt and running to the car. I don't know how a mama ever gets back to a place where anything else ever matters again.

I didn't want to wake up my sister, BethAnn. My grandma would go back home eventually and maybe she could bring this nightmare with her. But, if I woke up BethAnn then it was all going to be real. This is how an 11-year-old processes trauma. This is how I was stuck for a really long time. When I started doing #AdamsActs 6 years ago it was as if I gave that little girl inside me permission to grieve fully and out loud for the first time. Six years (of opening up and processing) later, that little girl is almost a grown up. I feel that progress and healing in such a real way, I can't adequately describe it. 

I went so many years stuck in that little girl space when it came to this trauma that I made a lot of childish decisions. I was self-protective and hurtful and was looking for relief in all the wrong places. But the place that was "stunted" the longest was the ability to experience true and deep joy. Out of solidarity with death, I was prevented from truly and deeply savoring life. 

As a self-proclaimed empath, I feel things wholly and intensely. I feel and carry others' hurts and afflictions as if they are my own. I can easily allow myself to become paralyzed by the weight of these burdensome emotions. The past six years of honoring Adam's life have helped me to sever the ties of solidarity to his death. 

I recently discovered a poem by Jack Gilbert in which he describes all the great suffering in the world and still, somehow, the joy. He writes of the women's laughter in the harsh streets of Calcutta or the cages of Bombay. His words remind me of the obligation to live, to find joy and a stubborn gladness.

“ We must have the stubbornness
to accept our gladness
in the ruthless furnace of this world. ”

— Jack Gilbert

For Day #4, I allowed a stubborn gladness to peek through the logistics of my life. When my to-do list was a thousand miles long, I stopped and found joy in relationships. I put aside my chores and I sat down to visit with two of my favorite friends. I slowed down at the grocery store to chat with the cashier and bought her a candy bar and I said "yes" to two interviews that I didn't really "have time for." We hosted our community group in our home and we facilitated honest discussion about love and life and growth. I chose people over projects, and I got less done but in the ruthless furnace of the world, I chose delight. And according to Jack...

“We must risk delight.”

— Jack Gilbert

For more information about my process of allowing God to transform my grief into something beautiful and positive, you can listen to my interview with Donna Harris of Constantly Under Construction HERE or download my devotional e-book HERE. 

Day 3: For Sean.

In the past couple of years doing #AdamsActs, I have had the opportunity to share our story at my kids' schools. It's always an incredible opportunity to stand in front of a gymnasium filled with kids who are still blank slates in a lot of ways and get them all fired up about out-loving and out-serving one another. It's my favorite.

The best moment during one of these school visits was in my daughter Marlie's classroom. She was in fifth grade at the time and after explaining (in an age-appropriate way) the story behind #AdamsActs, I asked the kids to write down their own sad thing that they carry around with them every day. Some kids wrote down their parents divorce, the death of a pet or grandparent, one child wrote about having an incarcerated parent. It was some heavy stuff. I challenged them to keep their sad thing in their pocket during the month of October and every time they felt really sad, they could do an act of kindness for someone else. We talked about how it was okay to feel sad, and no matter how kind you are, the sad thing won't ever go away but that kindness can turn the sad thing into a powerful thing for good too.

Then one brave little boy, Sean, raised his hand and said that he knows how I feel because his brother died too. He shared that his twin brother passed away and that he is still very sad about it every day. This sweet boy and I both cried right there on the spot over having such a terrible thing in common. 

Now Sean is in junior high and he runs cross country with my two oldest daughters, Annalee and Marlie. I wasn't sure if he would remember that moment, but I haven't forgotten. For Day #3, I wanted to let Sean know that I remembered our moment and I remembered his grief. I gave him a Gatorade and some candy for after his race, and I wrote a card telling him how brave he was for sharing his story, and that I was thinking of both of our brothers today.

I remember being in 7th grade just a year after Adam was killed. I remember people asking me if I was really still sad about it. I remember when I would talk about Adam, some people would whisper that I was just "trying to get attention." And for a long time I stopped talking about him. But, Sean and I know better. Kids like Sean and I are still sad. Sean and I don't want that kind of attention. What Sean and I want is one more day with our brothers, our buddies. And if we don't get that, then Sean and I will keep remembering them. We will keep mustering the courage to raise our hand in front of all our friends to tell the story about our sad thing.  

Day 2: A Little Soap Goes a Long Way

Like most of you, I woke up this morning to learn of the devastating news out of Las Vegas. When I learned of the horrendous mass shooting, I asked the typical questions: Who was this guy? What could possibly drive a person to do something so deplorable? How can I help? How can anyone possibly help during a time like this?

My natural inclination is to feel overwhelmed with empathy and crippled by a sense of helplessness. My knee-jerk reaction is to feel really dumb, just flat out silly for trying to fill this dark world with light and love when times like these seem to prove that the world is, quite simply, too far gone. My impulse is to pack up this hope of mine and to stuff all my feelings with so much pie.

Then I checked my messages. And I read your notes of encouragement and thanks.  I read all the kind words many of you had to say about Adam. I saw that my blog has had over 15,000 views in anticipation of - and in response to - #AdamsActs. I saw all the invoices of people who bought my little devotional. I saw the Facebook, Instagram and Twitter posts. All the shares and comments and hashtags. And guys, my heart was full of hope again.

My #AdamsActs today weren’t anything life-changing or grandiose. I did some small, simple things that anyone can do. I chose to start with something simple because I don’t want people to feel overwhelmed or intimidated going into this month of kindness. Being purposeful and intentional is the point, not grandiosity. Besides, small kindnesses are sustainable throughout the year so cultivating the habit of making small gestures ultimately leads to more kindness in the long run!

The first thing I did was buy conditioner. See, I told you anyone could do this. There is a line of haircare products (I get them at Target) by a company called SoapBox and when you purchase one of their items you do an act of kindness. Here’s how… the company’s mission is to donate a bar of soap every time a product is purchased. There is a little hope code you can enter to see the impact each purchase makes. It’s pretty great! And such a small, easy change to make. (For all you curly haired peeps out there, the conditioner is actually really great and works on all the various ethnic textures we got happening up in here.) Handwashing saves lives, especially in developing countries where access to healthcare and education about healthy sanitation practices are limited.

The second thing I did was buy some other stuff. (I’m seriously low on some essentials ok.) Instead of using the regular Amazon site to restock on whatever it is you need, check out Amazon Smile. It’s basically the same thing as Amazon, except you can select the charitable organization of your choice and Amazon will donate 0.5% of the purchase price of eligible products. It is a very simple change to make if you are already an Amazon shopper. There are a lot of organizations to choose from and you can change your choice at any time.

The last small thing I did was send a quick note to a photographer buddy who took some amazing photographs at my friends' Ben and Lexi's wedding. He is a great guy, with a lovely family, he's super talented and I really wanted to encourage him. Plus it gives me an excuse to share his amazing work with you:

Photo cred: Samuel Maisonet Photography 

And if you want a little bonus treat, let's just zoom right in on what Sam had to deal with... my daughter in stage 4 of the grief process that her "Aunt Lexi" is getting married.

I guess she thought things wouldn't be the same after they got married... so she sobbed audibly through the entire photo shoot and half the reception. Sam was a champ though and the photos still turned out beautifully! 

Buying soap on Amazon Smile or sending a note to encourage someone is not going to directly help the victims in Las Vegas or change the world, that's true. Still, I am going to fight against that feeling that I can't make a real impact or that I am silly for wanting people to have soap or clean water or a kind word from a friend. I will do a million tiny little things to extend kindness to strangers this month and for the rest of my life because the alternative is to do nothing. And I will never, ever do nothing. Especially when I could just as easily do something small, but still very kind. In light of the hundreds of lives that have been permanently altered by the nightmare that unfolded in Las Vegas, it suddenly feels silly not to send a note or to share our soap. The small things may be simple, but they are also sacred and powerful and contagious. Perhaps the small, insistent acts of kindness are the best chance we have of preventing hate in the first place. 

If you have not purchased the 31 Day Devotional Guide to Greater Kindness, it's not too late to join in! You can purchase it here for $1.99

Day 1: The Hardest Story I never Told.

Six years ago I sat in front of my computer and I shared this story for the very first time. Sure, I had told people in my life bits and pieces, but this was the first time that I publicly shared the whole thing. As I sit here now, I am struck by the fact that I struggle each year to re-introduce the same story in a fresh way. But, that's death. Death doesn't change. It is final. The story doesn't evolve, so I find it very difficult to give a fresh introduction. 

To be honest, I got sick of that. So, I am starting here at the beginning and I will tell the same story I have told each year. But I am letting this story evolve. It's true that death is final, but that doesn't mean that death gets the last word. 

Day 1. 

----

I am going to tell you a story. 

I haven't done this before, told this story, so detailed and so publicly. But, I am going to try something big this month, and I think I need to tell this story in order to do it well. So, here goes nothin...

It was Halloween night many years ago, and my 17 year old brother, Adam H. Provencal, was driving home from the Regional Championship Soccer game. He was a senior in high school and the captain of the soccer team, and this victory was worth celebrating, and it was news worth spreading for our small Michigan town.

When my brother (and his friend Mike) were driving home and passed some of their friends out playing some harmless Halloween pranks, it was the perfect time to spread the news.  So Adam pulled the car over and was telling his friends about the big victory.  I have no idea what my brother was thinking or feeling in that moment but, my guess, is freedom. I imagine a boy - crazy about sports, working so hard to maintain his 4.0 GPA in mostly advanced placement classes, editor-in-chief of the nationally recognized school paper, and all-around nice guy - and the pressure that that brings on a kid. I imagine him in this moment, and the hard work (for now) is done and has paid off with a regional championship. And he's free. He is young and free, and he wants to tell to his friends.

So, he pulls over and he and his friends are joking around and talking and hanging out, and they are young and free in this moment.

The whimsical youth of the moment ends when a homeowner comes out and is irate about the pranks and, though my brother had not been involved in them, he had the car and perhaps that made him seem to be the ringleader somehow. I don't really know if that was why Adam felt the need to go to the door or not, but he did. He decided he would walk up to the door, to apologize for being there and to offer to clean up the toilet paper in the yard, and he no longer felt young and free. He was probably terrified that he was going to get in trouble. So, he dutifully walked up to the man's door and knocked twice. 

The man did not open the door and hear him out, he did not yell at Adam to leave, he did not call the police. When my 17 year old brother knocked on the door that night to have a hard conversation, he had a baby face and scrawny limbs and braces in his mouth. And when Adam knocked twice on that door, the man gave no warning before he pulled the trigger of his shotgun, sending one, single blast through the closed front door. 

One bullet.

One bullet changed many lives, some lives even devastated. But only one life was ended. My only brother, my parents' only son, my hero, my friend... the only person strong enough to jump on a trampoline with me on his shoulders, and the boy who led me to Christ, and taught me to dance like M.C. Hammer, and to be funny enough to joke my way out of trouble. He was gone. 

His murderer was in and out of jail after two years, for a boy's life taken in a rage over some harmless pranks.

Needless to say, when October rolls around I get stuck.  It is almost like my body involuntarily braces for a trauma.  The crisp fall air, the smell of leaves and bonfires... they are all beautiful reminders of fall, and nightmarish triggers that put my physical and emotional self on high alert, tragedy-ready. 

I started doing these acts of kindness because I had to do something. I had to be productive and focus outward or I would implode with this seasonal grief and cyclical depression. I wanted to commit myself to honor all the good Adam would have done to the glory of God if his life had not been cut short. This is why we call them #AdamsActs, because these are the types of things Adam would have spent his life doing. I wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Well, here is my chance... 36 is pretty grown up, so here goes nothing. 

For Day One, I am sharing this story. I am rallying the people around me to participate, and I am bossing you into participating too. You're welcome. This is the sixth October that I have asked and encouraged whatever participation you can muster. Please like and share these blog posts to your social media, and why not challenge everyone you know? (Unless you hate kindness.) Spread the word. Do any act of kindness you can, no matter how small. To follow along and contribute to our collective journey, please hashtag #AdamsActs in pictures and posts so we can all see how far reaching an impact our kindnesses can make. 

As I stated before, this story is no longer a stagnant memory. Death does not get the final word here. This year, I wanted to let hope and redemption get the final word. I wrote a 31 Day Guide to Greater Kindness which is a devotional that will coincide with this month of #AdamsActs. In it, we will explore some of the big, spiritual questions that I have grappled with in the years since my brother's murder.

Downloading my little $1.99 e-book here would be an incredible kindness to me, but whether you choose to explore God's kindness in the face of tragedy and suffering, or if you choose to participate without the companion study, my sincere prayer is that each small act of generosity, encouragement, compassion, thoughtfulness, and kindness will plant seeds of hope, love and healing in a world that could use a lot more of those things. Thank you for allowing me to share my family's story with you. If I can't spend my days watching my brother live out all the remarkable kindness that was in his heart, the next best thing is watching all of you do it in his memory.

In loving memory of Adam H. Provencal. For pointing me toward God's restorative kindness.

It Takes a Village (and One Pack Mule)

A few months ago I made an exciting announcement in this embarrassing video. If you haven't watched it, then you might still be operating under the assumption that I'm not an idiot. That's so nice of you! But you'd be mistaken. In the video I describe in an obnoxiously choppy and drawn out way a charming fashion that I will be publishing a 31 day devotional to supplement #AdamsActs and my blog in the month of October. The downloadable file will be available for $1.99 on this website starting on October 1st.

Before I go any further, I am going to give a micro-explanation of what I am talking about. #AdamsActs is a kindness movement that I started in memory of my brother Adam who was killed at the age of 17. We do 31 random acts of kindness in his memory to spread love and good cheer during a month that used to put me in a funk of sadness. When sharing this deeply personal part of my family's story, I can't help but share the part of my story that is even more significant: my faith story.

I am unwilling to cheapen my faith in Jesus by being pushy about it so I tend to share less than I sometimes want. Still, there are a lot of readers who want to explore this faith I speak of, and they want to do it in an environment that is not initimidating or judgey. I decided to process some of the deeper faith components of grief and suffering in a separate place than the blog so that readers can choose to participate or not. This thing that I am calling a devotional is simply a series of meditations and thoughts to consider as we go through the month of October. My hope is that it challenges you to examine your beliefs and explore/consider deepening your faith. I also secretly hope that you laugh at my funny jokes.

It has been a labor of love and so much nausea to get this devotional written. It has taken a village to raise up this little project. On the village roster we have my friend Lexi who would kick me out of my house and take excellent care of my kids so I could go to the library and get work done... only to ambush me at said library with coffee. She amused herself in the process by taking absurd pictures of my striking resemblance to a pack mule.

Next on the village roster are my three editors. Greta (pictured below - in the middle) worked as my copy editor, tirelessly deleting 484 billion commas. I didn't know that I had a comma addiction. But, apparently, I, do, and, it's, super, annoying. She cleaned up my work significantly, and if you find any errors or typos... it's because I couldn't part with all the commas and I also came up on my deadline before she could make one final pass for edits. Also, it's a $1.99 so why don't you go ahead and simmer down on the expectations mmkay? Next on the roster, we have Char (pictured on the right with all the tats and a wicked mohawk) who combed through for any theological issues. She helped me answer questions like "Is it okay to call Jesus a baller?" For the record, the answer is no. No, it is not.

And then on the left we have Melissa who served as more of a line editor. She did a lot of the heavy lifting when I knew what I meant to say, but the reader maybe wouldn't. The 4:55am editing sesh was not a one time thing. She lives in Manahttan, so for this side by side situation to take place... she had to travel all the way here multiple times to help a sister out. Her help was invaluable to me. 

My other villagers include a slew of people that Lexi and my friend Brandi manhandled into being on some sort of launch team to get a first look at the devo and share some of their favorite bits as a teaser for everyone else. Their positive reviews have been such an encouragement during these past few days of intense vulnerability hangover.

The mayor of this village of support is Heather (not pictured above) who is the designer for the devotional and is working on it as I write this. She sent me a sneak peek and I am telling you that she's a miracle worker because the crazy document I sent to her is looking clean, polished and professional, even if overly riddled with commas. 

It was not all fun and games and I learned a lot about my shortcomings. Which I could have done without to be honest. I spent less time with my family than ever before, but Tom happily took on the extra responsibilities while I was tied up with the editing process. The kids were proud of me, and have been so encouraging and understanding. The best thing to come out of this process is the excitement my oldest daughter, Annalee, has expressed in participating in the devotional with the rest of us in October. Her supportive offer to "buy it at full price" made all the work worth it. Even if I felt like this the whole time...

If you are interested in participating in #AdamsActs or in downloading the devotional then here are a few things you can do:

• Skip on one cup of coffee this week and the cost is already in the budget.
• Subscribe to the blog here so it's super easy to follow along through the month
• And/or follow me on Facebook so you never miss an update.
• Download the devotional on October 1st right here on this website.
• Spread the word by liking and sharing posts in October.
• Find a group of people who might be interested in exploring faith and invite them to read and discuss the devotional with you.
• Send me a private message here if you are interested in joining a weekly discussion group about the devotional just for the month of October. If there is enough interest, I will create an opportunity for people from all over to join me online via Periscope or Facebook Live to do a Q&A and discussion once a week about what we are learning. 
• Praise the Lord that this thing is finally done.

A Deadbeat Mom's Tips for Surviving Summer: Tip #3 Get a Puppy, or a Mulch Pile

For those of you who are rounding toward the home plate of summer’s end, I want to offer one more tip in this mini-series for surviving the summer with your kiddos home. I realize that my last tip was a bit more labor intensive… so for my final tip, I am offering two different options for summer fun, each requiring a very different level of effort on your part. It’s sort of like a choose-your-own regret-adventure, where you get to decide which approach best suits your family! What fun.

So, let’s cut to the chase. We did two really ambitious things this summer. While there are some fundamental differences between the two adventures, I submit that both have provided endless hours of entertainment for the children, both have taught our kids a sense of responsibility, both have taught me to release some control and live in the moment. Without further ado, I offer you your first option... 

Tip #3A: Get a Puppy

On the last day of school, we surprised our five kids with a puppy. (Nobody should ever write that sentence because it is foolish and simply reading it makes my blood pressure go up.) Still, we did it. Because how much fun is it to surprise children with a gift-wrapped box filled to the brim with baby dog? And that moment was so much fun. And now... we have a dog forever.

I honestly have zero regrets though, because I am surprised and pleased to announce that I actually like this one particular dog. Just this one. On planet earth, there’s one fantastic pup and I found her living with an amish lady and a small amish child that likes to sit on pupppies. So, yes, I consider her a rescue dog, because how would you like to be trapped under so many apron layers?

Anyways, we rescued a dog and she is adorbsies and we love her. The children have begged for a pet since infancy, so this was nearly 14 years in the making. But, the best part is because we waited so long (and because I am the meanest mom on this side of the Mississippi) the kids are actually taking an active role in training and caring for her. It’s been really fun actually. Plus it gives me this great thing to throw out there for Mom points.

Child: Can we go to Seabreeze (our local amusement/water park)?

Me: We decided that instead of spending money on things like Seabreeze this summer, we would get you this puppy. (holds puppy in front of child and makes it “talk” in baby voice.)          

Child: (Squealing with love and delight forgets that Seabreeze exists.)

--

Child: Can I have a snack?

Me: Well, we have no food in the house because I haven’t gone to the store since ‘98, BUT… I did get you a puppy! (**hunger pangs forgotten**)

--

Child: I think I might be growing out of my running shoes, do you think we could get new ones before cross country starts?

Me: Your feet don’t grow, we just got you a puppy!

Okay, so maybe it doesn’t work exactly like that. But, I do talk for the puppy in a variety of adorable accents which doesn’t annoy anyone ever. And having a new puppy does also provide a lot of great opportunities for the various sibling combinations to spend time together. Two kids are particularly whiny? Guess whose turn it is to take the dog for an extra long walk together!? Overall I would say it has been a sheer delight to have a pup in the fam. Oh, and she jingles a bell when she has to go out. #winning

I do realize that not everyone will want to rescue an amish dog, even if her ears are so big and adorable. So for those of you who are not interested, fret not, I still have a great plan for you!

I offer you...

Tip #3B Get a Mulch Pile!

If you can believe it, we’ve actually had our mulch pile even longer than our dog. In mulch years, we’ve had the pile for just over one century. We rescued the mulch pile from the town, because they just throw mulch in a huge parking lot and let people take it for free. It’s basically like a backyard breeding, mulch mill up in here. So, we brought home as much mulch as we felt prepared to neglect all summer long and we put it in a heap in the driveway.

Not our actual mulch pile. This is a dramatization. 

And, just like our puppy, we have zero regrets about bringing this lovable pile of mulch home to tarnish our reputation by taking up permanent residence in our driveway. Also like the puppy, this pile of mulch has provided hours of messy entertainment for the children. And I think it has also earned me a bonus Mom point or two this summer.

--

Child: We have literally no outdoor toys.

Me: That is not true. Your brother has been pushing mulch around with a skateboard for at least two hours. Umm summer fun much??

Child: (admits how blind she’s been to all the exciting, mulch-based opportunities and we both throw our heads back in hearty, good-natured laughter. Annnnnd end scene.) 

--

But don’t be fooled, just because mulchboard makes for premium outdoor fun, doesn’t mean there won’t be some whining. Remember the three kids that aren’t walking the puppy? That’s right, they’re also a little fussy and now guess who’s on deck for sweeping the mulch back into a pile? Hint: everyone. Because a mulch pile takes a lot of care and responsibility and people think kids aren’t ready for that kind of commitment, but I disagree. I think every child should experience what it’s like to grow up with a mulch pile in their yard.

Here are 5 Ways to Tell if Your Child is Ready for a Pet and/or Pile:

1. Your child is comfortable and respectful around animals or mulch.

2. Your family can agree on the type of pet or mulch that is right for your family.

3. Your child can hold a leash or broom.

4. Your child has given pet-sitting a trial run, or played in the neighbor’s mulch or something?

5. Your child is very sick of having zero outdoor toys.

Photo courtesy of vermontvalleyfarm.wordpress.com featuring the ever-ambitious dog-mulch combo pack. 

So there you have it. Two fantastic options to engage your kids all summer long by making a decision that will last so much longer than one summer, and ultimately be your problem when the kids go back to school in three weeks!

A Deadbeat Mom's Tips for Surviving Summer: Tip #2 Sibling Bootcamp

If there is one thing I did out of desperation in my early years as a mom (that I don’t actually regret) it is Sibling Boot Camp. I know it sounds intense, like a lot of work. And yes, I will be honest -  a lot of poster board was involved. But, this little blog series isn’t just about us “getting through summer,” it’s really about getting these kids through their childhood, and to a place where people actually like them when they are “grownies” as we say in my house. Just like Tip #1: Tattle Tax required some work up front, this tip will too. The question then, is will that work pay off? The answer my friends, in the words of every British judge on every talent competition on TV, is “a million percent yes.”

 And while we all know that one cannot be a million percent anything (because that is not how math works, or maybe it is?) I don’t really care about math, the point is that I wish I was British. And also that the work for Sibling Boot Camp is definitely worth it.

Sibling Boot Camp came into existence when my oldest daughters (now 13 ½ and almost 12) were in Kindergarten and 1st grade. They were arguing consistently about who got to be first for things. It was this constant back and forth about “you got in the car first last time, now it’s my turn to get in the car first this time.” Then the other one would chime in saying “Well, you got out of the car first, so now it’s my turn to do something first so I get to get in first again.”

And then my head would explode.

So one day, on the way to school, I gave them a moving sermon in the car where I exegeted the passage of scripture about "the first being last and the last being first." When we got to school, you know what happened? That’s right, they argued about whose turn it was to get out of the car first.

I maybe lost my mind a little and I told them that they had lost the privilege of school. I added that I would not allow them to go into that building and behave like perfect angels toward their teachers and friends if they could not get along with each other. I called the school office from the parking lot and said that my girls would not be back to school until they were best friends.

They missed an entire week of school. We commenced Sibling Boot Camp. And are they now best friends?

A million percent, yes.

So, I offer you...

The Five Phases of Your Very Own DIY Sibling Boot Camp:

1. Buy so much posterboard. Draw a line down the middle of the poster. At the top, write “Entitled” on one side and “Responsible” on the other.
2. Run so many drills. Take some time to explain to your kids the difference between entitled behavior and responsible behavior. Once they know the difference, test them by throwing out some everyday scenarios and have them file the behaviors under the headings, either the behavior is entitled or it’s responsible.                                                                                                                             Sample 1: “Okay my fallen cherubs, it’s time to get in the car to go to school, you both want to get in first. What is an example of an entitled response?”
   Sample 2: “You would both like to get in the car first, Child A offers to let Child B get in and out first, with the agreement that Child A can get in and out first on the return trip. Is this a responsible agreement, or entitlement?”
   Sample 3: “Mommy gives her precious baby sinners a really lovely sermon in the car. Now, is it responsible or entitled to immediately disregard her brilliant life lessons?”                                                                                                                                                                             
3. Sibling fun is now a privilege. Reward every correct answer with 5 minutes of fun time together. Catch and reward any responsible interaction with 5 minutes of sibling fun. Try to catch them doing anything right, and give them 5 minutes. This part is key though - END the sibling time as soon as their minutes run out! They will be doing great, and will just be getting into some kind of game… but when the time’s up, it’s up. They can’t play together until they earn more minutes. This ensures that they don’t have time to get into a conflict, and because kids will often strive toward what we pull just out of their reach… they will try to earn more time together. VOILA! They are trying to earn time to play with their sibling!

4. Introduce quiet sister/brother talk. When our girls started consistently showing more responsible (and less entitled) interaction we would celebrate by letting them stay up late for “quiet sister talk.” This works best if you are generally bedtime nazis, which fortunately, we were. But, no matter how lax you are about summer bedtimes, add time for quiet sibling talk. Little kids love to stay up late because they are small and foolish and they don’t yet realize how wonderful sleep is. Take advantage of their folly by reserving late bed times for siblings who love each other and get along.

5. Sleepover City. If you have successfully made it out of DefCon 5 of sibling bickering and into Phase 5 of Sibling Boot Camp, then… congratulations. You may celebrate by manipulating the children into becoming best friends. This can be achieved by letting them have a sleepover on any non-school nights. To this day my older daughters will jam all their gangly limbs into the same top bunk bed and stay up late talking. They do it all summer long and every weekend. They tell each other everything. They whisper and giggle and make up ridiculous stories and inside jokes that turn their whispered giggles into full on belly laughs. It is magical.

They both still remember Sibling Boot Camp and I have never had to do it again. The younger three sort of followed suit and they all get along pretty well considering. We have some special circumstances which prevents them all from having the sleepovers, etc. but the overall mission remains the same. Engaging with other people is a privilege. Can that privilege be taken away if you are behaving like a child criminal? You betcha. But can it be earned back with consistency and three dollars worth of poster board?