it's been a while since i've written a legitimate post... and after having a tumultuous day, i thought i'd give it a go.

the past two weeks have been exhausting. annalee started first grade, marlie started kindergarten, i put half of my kids on the bus to go to school all day, harper turned three (today) and started talking about "chicken clams" more than i expected anyone could. london got her first tooth, pulled up to standing, started signing "more," started blowing kisses and started crawling. and as if that weren't enough growing up for one week, she then scheduled her first job interview.

i went to two different baby showers and the children's museum, served on "playground duty" at school, did kindergarten orientation, threw an 80's themed roller skating party, had 2 different meetings, started and finished a great book, got my teeth cleaned and got robbed. (we had one car break down, and the other one broken into, ending my long-term love affair with my GPS.) then, after all that, we got vagabonds. (ok, not exactly vagabonds... more like traveling, musical, hippy, writers. but, i loved them so.)

in addition to all that, one of my grandmothers had to be moved into a different nursing home because her worsening Alzheimer's has made it impossible to live without constant care and supervision, while my other grandmother (i find out this morning) is going to start receiving hospice care.

this was heavy couple of weeks. now, this is all in the midst of our usual craziness, which could include some or all of the following on any given day:
  • some room in my house probably smells faintly of poop or pee, sometimes a cocktail of the two. (this actually makes a little sense.)
  • some room in my house may smell faintly of chinese takeout. (this, makes less sense.)
  • i am cleaning like wild for some upcoming something which requires me to have a clean house. (this week it was the 2 hours notice we had before our vagabonds arrived.)
  • someone is sick.
  • someone has serious 'tude that needs adjusting.
  • someone has regressed and insists on talking like a baby... but this never actually sounds cute like a baby, it really just sounds more like a muppet with speech delays.
  • i have errands to run, groceries to get, chores to do, gifts to buy, thank you notes to write, library books to return, baby food to make before all those squashes go bad, laundry to do, and on and on it goes...
i have spent the last couple of hours feeling so blue. really though, i don't know if i am blue at all... just drained. this has been a couple of draining weeks. so, instead my usual go-to emotion (guilt), i am going to allow the exhaustion to overtake me. i am going to slowly back away from the chocolate, i am going to get my kids off the bus and put in a movie for us to all watch together. i am going to stay in my pajamas, and i am going to let it be friday. the craziness will start back up tomorrow... i know that all too well, but i am going to let it be done for today. i am going to think about my sweet, lovely grandmothers, and i am going to lean into the comfort of knowing the same jesus they both spent their lives clinging to.

birthday girl.jpg

five years ago, on this day, I gave birth to miss marlie kaye. After 32 hours of labor (sans pain meds, booya) our second baby girl was born. She looked like she lost a boxing match with my uterus. At first I thought she might look like my father-in-law, which was almost as terrifying as the labor had been. But, fortunately... She did end up looking like a girl and not a grandpa. And these five years with her have been a delight.

Marlie's five year old fast facts (in her own words):
What is your favorite thing to do? "go to seabreeze."
How awesome is your mommy? "Awesomest than ever."
How awesome is your daddy? "Awesomest I could ever see."
Who is your best friend forever? "Mommy and daddy."
What do you do for a living? "Sharing."
what's been the high point in the past five years? "Trip across the country."
What are you excited about for kindergarten? "Meeting mrs. Moyles."
What would your advice be to other five year olds? "To be good and sharing and happy. To be good to others. And sharing."
And what are your goals for the coming year? "School. I mean, all this busy work."
What would you say are your strengths? "Climbing."
What could you improve on? "Climbing... Umm, climbing's not a straimth." (Strength)
What is the best thing God gave you? "Love."

give me 24 hours and i could write a book, a very strange book.

just in the past 24 hours my kids have said these things:

marlie: "i'm thinking of marrying annalee because she knows me all through my heart."

marlie: immediately following the comment above, her eyes widened with realization and she exclaimed "then we can both wear wedding dresses!"

annalee: "i'm really thinking about a nose ring." (my girls are officially thinking about the future way too much.)

harper: "Jesus keeps me safe and he shows his big muscles to spiderman and then he spiderwebs him!" (this was right before his nap, when he gives himself the "i don't have to be afraid because jesus keeps me safe" pep talk.)

harper: "is london a person or a plant?" (for those that don't know, london is my daughter. which makes her not a plant.)

marlie: "it's me! it's me! snow white! don't you remember me from when i broke your legs at the wedding!?" (overheard from the next room.)

harper: "OH! amazing grace! that saved a rash for me!!" (this was said as a suggestion to fix london's diaper rash.)

adoption FAQ's

in this post, i am going to address some of the Frequently Asked Questions about our adoption experience. in so doing, i reserve the right to be frank, open, honest or… illusive and sarcastic. i will answer in a few different ways, so be sure to review the key below so that you can decode my cryptic answering methods. i am writing this to answer legitimate questions, and also to educate people on adoption in general. when i am condescending at any point, that is because i am a little rude and sometimes enjoy making ignorant people feel stupid. i will work on that, but probably not before i finish this post, so for now, let’s just accept it as a little harmless comic relief and we’ll address my deep issues another time.

FAQ key:
Q: stands for Question we are frequently asked.
SCA: stands for Sarcastic Condescending Answer (which is usually what i am thinking in my brain, but try not to say out loud. but often fail and say out loud anyway. sometimes behind the person’s back because i am a sometimes-rage-a-holic, but also a sometimes-coward.)
REA: stands for Responsible Educational Answer. (this is what i feel obligated to say in order to enlighten and educate people, because deep down i really do understand that most people mean well and just don’t know any better. despite what my sarcasm might suggest, i really do want to answer questions and i want people to feel comfortable enough to ask them. but, i’m torn, because i also want to make fun of them.)

so, here goes.

Q: is that one adopted? (often asked while physically pointing at our african-american son.)
SCA: no. he just miraculously came out brown. it was the shock of the century.
stop pointing.
REA: the answer is yes, we adopted our son. however, general adoption etiquette is to say that he was adopted, not that he is adopted. he is a lot of wonderful things, and being an adopted child is just one of those things. it is not his whole identity, even though it is a significant event in his life. so, yes… he was adopted.

Q: how old was he when you adopted him?
ERA: 10 days old.

Q: what’s the story with his mom?
SCA: none of your da*n business.
REA: well, that’s an interesting question. she is a strong woman who gave life to a beautiful boy, and chose to make an adoption plan for the child she loved enough to bring into this world and choose a family to love and provide for him. she is selfless and brave, and is one of my heroes. and because i respect her so much, i am not going to share the details of her life (or the story behind his conception) with just anybody. that is her story to tell, not mine.

Q: is it hard to deal with his hair and skin?
REA: it’s not hard, it’s just different. i do have to be aware of the ingredients of products before i put them on his hair or skin. black hair and skin tends to be very dry and can be really sensitive. so, i am careful to avoid chemicals and/or botanicals that cause drying or irritation. he does have mild eczema, which flares up if somebody inadvertently uses cheap, white-people products on his hair or skin. again, it is not difficult to care for his hair and skin, it just takes a little commitment. i have been really diligent about keeping his hair and skin moisturized because i never wanted to be that negligent white woman who didn’t know how to take care of her kid’s unique needs.

Q: what do you use on his hair/skin?
REA: i like the olive oil based products, because we seem to have good luck with those. sometimes i will use straight olive oil, or coconut oil on his scalp if it is particularly dry. i have heard really good things about the brand Carol’s Daughter, so i am going to order the Tui Leave-In Conditioner because i have had a hard time finding a natural leave-in that actually works. i use an organic product for children of color, commonly referred to as “hair grease.” i will also do a conditioning treatment and wrap his hair occasionally to prevent drying and breakage. i wrap his head in a handkerchief while it is on his hair. we tell him he’s an “awesome motorcycle guy” and he leaves it on and feels pretty sweet at the same time… so it works. cetaphil works on his skin, but is not all-natural… so, i am still on the prowl for something else that is moisturizing enough for his skin and is all-natural, but doesn’t smell like playdough.

Q: do you love him the same as your own children?
SCA: if i say yes, will you really believe me?
REA: yes, i love him as MUCH as my biological children. (they are all my “own” so we prefer the term biological, rather than “natural” or “our own”. harper is not unnatural, and he is my own.) that being said, while i love him as much, i don’t love him the SAME as my biological children. before you freak out… just let me explain. i love ALL of my children differently. i love that annalee has my long, golf-tee shaped legs. i love that marlie has my curly hair. i love seeing my personality traits in them. (sometimes that also terrifies me, but you see my point.) there is something really cool about the connection between a mother and a child from her womb. on the other hand, there is something profoundly miraculous about growing a bond just as strong just by choice. when you start from the ground up on conviction alone. without any biological connection whatsoever, harper and i have built a mother-son bond from scratch. it is amazing… and it is just as strong and just as special and totally unique. i love them all the same amount, but i love each of them for different reasons and in different ways. i love the girls differently than i love my boy. i love the older ones different than the little ones. i love their personalities for different reasons and their physical features for different reasons. i love the similarities of my biological kids, and the mystery that comes with adopted children. i chose to love harper out of conviction, and eventually that grew into instinctual, unwavering motherly love. maybe that makes me a monster, but if i am being honest… yes, it is different. but i wouldn’t have it any other way.

Q: is he from Ethiopia?
SCA: you really need to get out more if every black baby you see is presumably Ethiopian.
REA: nope, he’s from new jersey.

Q: how much did it cost to adopt?
SCA: i’ll tell you how much it costs if you chip in to pay for it.
REA: adoption fees vary based on the agency, the type of adoption, and oftentimes on your income. t can be very expensive, but there are a lot of creative ways to defray the costs, like fundraisers and scholarships. it can range from free to $80,000, it all just depends on a million factors.

Q: yeah, but how much did you guys pay?
SCA: seriously? how much money do you make at your job? how much money do you spend on counseling each year? what gets you in the mood? (some things, dude... you just don’t ask people.)
REA: i will tell anybody who sends me a check.

Q: are you going to adopt again?
SCA: today alone i had to ask harper two times to take off a bridal veil he was wearing. the poor kid is stinkin’ surrounded by a bunch of white sisters… he needs a brother.
REA: yes, we will.

Q: do you get any grief for adopting a black child?
SCA/REA: sometimes. everybody has a different opinion on different issues… some think it’s the best thing anyone could ever do, and others probably think we belong in jail. can’t please everyone.

Q: when are you going to tell him he’s adopted?
SCA: probably when he’s leaving for college.
REA: he already knows. we talk about it all the time. we want him to be proud of who he is, as an african-american, as a boy, as a christian, as an adoptee, as _______…
we also believe that creating an environment where he can talk freely and openly about his feelings about being adopted is the healthiest thing for him. if we aren’t open about it, we fear he may withhold his feelings from us out of fear that we will be upset by the discussion.

Q: do you communicate with his real mom?
SCA: i consider both myself and his birthmother to be real moms. she really gave birth to him, and i really am raising him. no artificial ingredients!
REA: we have a semi-open adoption, which means that i send letters and pictures and occasional gifts to her.

Q: yeah, but does she write back?
SCA: Nunya. Bidness.
REA: that is harper’s private relationship. when he is old enough to discuss his relationship with his first-family/biological family… you can ask him then.

Q: will you let him search for his mom?
SCA: no, i will forbid him to have a relationship with the woman who brought him into this world. ‘cause I have the right to do that.
REA: i will not only “let” him, i will help and support him in any way i can. i feel that my role is to facilitate whatever relationship is healthiest for him. i will not push a relationship, nor would i ever deny him the right to know the people with whom he is biologically connected. i will never make him feel guilty, nor will i make him “choose” to be a part of one family or the other. i wouldn’t cut anyone (that loved him and wanted what is best for him) out of his life, certainly not the one who created him! it simply isn’t my right to “let him” or “deny him” the right to know his biological history.

Q: why did you decide to adopt? could you not have any more kids?
SCA/REA: we simply felt led to adopt. we feel like the word of god is very clear on what it means to be a christian, and part of that means caring for the poor, the needy, the homeless, the fatherless and widows. scripture does not say "care for the orphans, unless of course you are a fertile turtle... then forget the orphans." for us, adopting and birthing had nothing to do with each other. they are just the different ways we have grown our family. we also feel like it is a little obnoxious that christians can be so in-your-face pro-life, but rarely offer a home to a child that may have been a result of an unplanned pregnancy. we felt like it was our part in the pro-life movement, it was our responsibility as human beings who have enough room in our hearts and our home for another child, and more than anything else... it has been our blessing and privilege. we felt that god put a burden on our hearts for young birthmothers in crisis pregnancy situations, and that we could relate since we also experienced the fear and uncertainty that comes with an unplanned pregnancy. and not that it is anybody's business... but we can have more children biologically, which is good news for you, because it would really have sucked for you to drag up all my infertility baggage had that been the case.

Well, those are the FAQ’s. again, despite my remarks… i am truly passionate about adoption and am eager to answer any other questions people have. if you have the guts to ask me something after i just wrote all that… then promise to answer gently, without any sarcastic condescension. i won’t be a bully. scout’s honor.

i won't let the cat outta the bag

when i was a little girl, i would put my cat in a pair of infant pajamas and carry her around. i liked how heavy and squirmy she felt in them, it was so much more lifelike than the dolls i was used to playing with. i still remember stuffing her into that mint green fleece sleeper, maybe zipping in a little fur... but, other than that i'm sure she was having fun too.

apart from this early sign that i had some motherly desire in me, i never particularly believed that i would just have a bunch of kids and stay at home with them. i still find it all a bit surprising. i knew that i wanted kids, and i knew that i would enjoy that to some degree. but, just like my cat, i knew that i would inevitably want to squirm my way out of it all.

you see, i am the slightest a bit of a quitter. i am just fickle enough to change my mind about almost everything. once, i told my husband that i think i might look for a job. i think it was about a half hour after i made that declaration that i came home with a job. about 3 months later, i quit that same job by leaving a message on an answering machine, saying that i wouldn't be coming to work for my next shift. or ever again. (in my defense, we just found out that we would be moving to new york AND i took issue with the treatment and compensation of some illegal immigrants that were underpaid and overworked.) so, i quit. just like everything else.

another example? let's see here... approximately 8th grade, after a particularly humiliating softball practice, i quit the team and walked home, never to play the sport again. (i have no defense here, except that i am pretty certain that the coach hated me and was secretly hoping that i would quit... which is why MY pop fly was just a little bit higher than everyone else's. and right over a pothole.)

so, i think if i am being honest, i always felt a little afraid that i might just want to quit being a mom. that, once the going got tough, i would just unzip the bag and let the cat out.

there are plenty of things that i didn't see coming with parenthood. the amount of diapers, the constant chaos, how many times i would hear "mama" in an hour, let alone a day, the time and commitment it would take, the teaching, the re-teaching, and the reminders of all that i've taught and re-taught... just to name a few. but, one thing that i certainly didn't see coming was this feeling that i have.

it's hard to describe the feeling really. the closest comparison i could probably draw is that this feeling is like being home. whether or not you live in your dream house, almost everyone can relate to that feeling of just being home. like you are where you belong.

this came as a surprise to me, primarily because of some of the things i have to do as a mother. using just today as an example: i woke up to london crying, i fed her in bed, while the other three kids joined us one by one until every square inch of our bed was occupied by some tiny human body part. i then made the kids pancakes for breakfast, did the dishes, cleaned up the kitchen (which somehow still looked a mess), packed up their lunches, put on the bathing suits, put on all the sunscreen, and drove to the sprinkler park. after chasing them around, with baby on hip, i stood bent over while all the kids (mine and others) stood in line to smell my hair. we then had lunch, went into the community center to watch "awesome guys playing dodgeball." it took almost 15 minutes to leave, because i had to wait while harper shook everyone's hand before we could leave to go home. once home, i put harper down for a nap, and after singing several off-key duets with him, i then had to explain that uncle dan actually IS handsome, even if he DOES have "bald hairs." after that, i gave london a bath. that's when i realized that i feel strangely comfortable in this life and in this mommy role. that was the moment. i was sitting in the middle of london's room, blowdrying her butt.

she has a diaper rash, and i don't have time to let her "air-dry" between each diaper change like the 'what to expect' books suggest, so i just blow her off and it works just the same. but there i was, blowdrying my naked baby and i realized that this isn't normal. not a lot of people are home blowdrying out the crack of their baby.

forgive me, but it's a strange and busy life i live. it's really not anything spectacular in most people's eyes. but, it is certainly strange and it is certainly busy. and it is surprising to me how much i don't want to quit. i don't want to give up, i don't want to escape, i don't want some excuse so i can get out of it.

admittedly, i have my freakout moments and i definitely need my breaks from the craziness. but, when it gets right down to it... i wouldn't want anyone else on the planet blowdrying london's butt except for me. and i don't want anyone else explaining to harper that uncle dan shaves his head on purpose and that's why his hairs are bald, and that he is in fact a handsome uncle. and i don't want my kids smelling anyone else's hair at the sprinkler park except mine.

i have spent so much of the past 6 1/2 years wondering if i am "doing enough" to contribute to our family. i am always wondering if i should work part-time, or should i go back to school, or should i.... (fill in the blank with the idea of the moment.) when all i really want is permission to just blowdry a butt and love every minute of it. it is such a short season of time that they are all mine, and i don't want to miss any of it. i don't know what each day will look like, and i certainly can't say what things will look like down the road, but one thing i am actually sure about is that i want this life. i want it and i am not going to give up. that, sadly, is a really big deal for a gal like me.


tour de new york state.jpg

Keeping with our new family tradition of providing endless adventure for our kids... We took a day trip to the finger lakes region in new york. We are touring different dairy farms and doing cheese tasting. The kids (and we) have learned a lot about cheese. Tom wants to start making his own. So, we'll be looking forward to that. Below is a picture of us picnicing near cayuga lake. It's no crater lake... But, for a 2 hour drive, it'll suffice.

@laracapuano